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10:45 p.m. - October 31, 2007
They Not Be So Convenient!
Been spending a lot of times in convenience stores recently. That’s where I buy the newspapers, get gas, get decaf for the meetings, grab a couple of Nestle Crunch Crisps (which are better than sex, by the way…ok…maybe not THAT good, but yum!) etc. etc. etc.

But as I am with most shopping, for the most part, I know what I need to get, I get it, and then I want to pay and go as quickly as possible. No dilly dallyin’, no flirting with the cashiers that have their tongues pierced so they clack when they talk (ok, not MUCH flirting – but I can combine a minor flirt with a transaction you know, because I can mutli-task), just take my money, give me the change, and I will take my merch and be on my way.

For the most part, cashiers are if not on the ball, at least near it, or in the neighborhood of the ball. With the advent of scanners, it doesn’t take long to ring up most anything since everything has a bar code. Of course, there are the lazy ones who’d rather gossip with their fellow assistant managers about their baby daddy’s lack of child support, or good weed, or inadequacies in the sack, or how much they hate having to smoke outside, or SOMETHING ELSE inane.

And there are the ones that take forever when someone wants a rather obscure brand of smokes, and then looks to be about 16. You know, just smoke Camels or Marlboro Lights like everyone else in the free world, and not the Lucky Loogie Hard Pack 100’s Filter with Menthol, and they have one pack over by the brand that NO ONE buys unless they’re 90, and then the brands that the hipster doofuses buy because they want to look trendy to their art school friends when they go outside the bar to smoke. But these clerks haven’t taken the time to memorize the cigarette grid.

(Aside that no one cares about but me: When I was writing that fake cigarette brand, I was thinking it was a football play “Lucky Loogie Hard Pack 100’s Filter With Menthol Check With Me 88’s Soft Pack Reds On Two, Ready…BREAK!)

But mostly, because of Clerks and realizing that it’s not easy to spend an 8-hour shift in a cramped little area ringing up people’s vices and habits, I cut the cashiers a break. I mean, I think they’re Dante, “I’m not even supposed to BE HERE!”

However, I get really annoyed with my fellow patrons, who take for freakin’ ever at times, because they;

• Insist they check the 128 lotto tickets that they’ve collected over the past month to see if they’re a winner, and if they have winners, they want to buy more tickets, but they want part of it in quick picks for Powerball and then the other half in scratch offs.
• Don’t realize that you have to buy lotto tickets with cash, and can’t use the credit card that you used to pay your gas, Clark Bar, Hostess Donettes, Doritos, and Monster Chiller Horror Sized Diet Coke.
• Don’t have their money ready, and act surprised on how much their purchase costs.
• Insist on providing the correct change amount (or if it’s $4.87, giving the cashier a $10 and .87) and not having the change at the ready, and then having to dig for it in their pockets, or worse, their change purse when it’s just a bunch of nickels an pennies. If you’re going to use change, have it in your hand.
• Flirt big-time with the cashiers over and above the time allotted for the purchase.
• Be talking on their cell phone IN LINE and then not moving forward when the person in front of them pays.
• Yelling at their kids who are getting into the displays of sunglasses that are across the store from them. And then, when the ruffians aren’t minding, running across the store, grabbing them brusquely, and giving them a swat, but then offering no other punishment or consequence, and still buying them their Mountain Dew Code Reds, Nerds, and the funky sunglasses that they took off of the display.

Yeah, I’ve spent a lot of time in convenience stores lately, and you know, they’re supposed to be CONVENIENT!


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