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9:45 a.m. - January 19, 2007
Yahoo Questions? I've Got Answers!
Certainly, if you have logged into Yahoo recently you have been bombarded with ads for their “Yahoo Answers” service, where people can send in questions that other people answer.

Sometimes, it’s an actual real live famous person (or some toady of the real life famous person) but most of the time it’s schlubs from the internet answering other schlubs questions.

But you’ve seen them – the little starry eyed Yahoo avatars asking “Can someone’s personality change?” (Answer: Yah, you betcha.)

Well, I’m not signed up for that service. (I guess you register and earn points for something or other – whatever) But you know, I bet I could help answer some of these open questions.

So what I did is I printed out about five pages of the currently ‘open’ questions and, well, I’M going to answer some of them here. And yes, these are actual honest to God questions. Heh.

“On my blog?? wat 2 put?” – Well, if you’re going to start out like that, my advice is to delete the blog site and start studying English.

“Can skipping rope help me grow tall?” – Let’s see…I think the only way that skipping rope would make you grow tall is if you fell, and hit your head and your pituitary gland went all crazy-go-nuts. But I wouldn’t recommend that.

“At what age did you start to drink coffee?” – Well, I used to drink it after church on Sundays because all of the adults did. But I think it’s nationally known that the minute you start your first class in College, a coffee cup is automatically spot welded to your hand.

“What is the best heat to prove bread?” – How can you prove something that already exists? Bread is, isn’t it? You’re not getting all Sartre on us, and how is heat going to prove that? Um, wait…oh…allowing bread to RISE….well…that’s what Google is for, dude.

“Do you think that after flavor flav and new york left she is dumb to make her own show?” – Leaving aside the stunningly impossible syntax of the question, I don’t think it’s ‘dumb’ if some no-name hoochie mama is collecting caysh money for a reality TV show. It’d be dumb if she DIDN’T do it.

“Does the Pope have a passport? Is it a Vatican passport? Where can I see how it looks? Does he need a visa?” – OK, for one, I think this guy is trying to steal the identity of the Pope. But anyway, logically, the Pope is a German citizen, so I bet he has a German passport. However, I think that an old dude with all of the garb and vestments and what not wouldn’t have an issue with paperwork at customs, you know.

“Who else hates the judges from American Idol?” – Ah, son, you need to click back a couple of pages on my site. Dawg.

“What are proglottids? Is that tapeworm, my dog has it??” – Well, again, this is where Google comes in handy, ma’am. That’s the segment of the tapeworm that has all of the reproductive parts of the tapeworm, so yeah. As for your last question, um….without seeing your dog, I wouldn’t no, and I don’t think some stranger in Boise would know either. A VET would know, though.

“Anyone else given up booze for Jan?” – No, you see, you need to drink more in January so you can forget about Christmas and the rotten Holiday season where no one got you anything on your list, and you found out your girlfriend was sleeping with her best friend’s cousin and the auto mechanic down the block while you were away at college. Lent is the time you give up booze.

“Will you please forgive me?” – Trust me, that approach doesn’t work. Even a nice email saying, “No hard feelings. Good luck and take care.” doesn’t work. Move on. Oh, and that’s another reason to drink in January. C’mon mon mon mon mon baby – bottoms up!

“Is it really a MUST to kiss on your first date?” – Not even a little peck on the cheek? Well, I would say I’ve had good first dates where I just hugged at the end, so no. But at SOME point you’re going to have to lock lips. Besides, kissing is fun. I recommend it highly!

“I forgot the answer to my secret question. What can I do?” – Dude, if you can’t remember your Mom’s maiden name, or the name of your pet, you need more help than Yahoo questions.

“Another week of not seeing my bf. What can I do to stop being bored” – Have you checked your battery supply?? Rzzzzzz….

“Are disc flow pumps available in India?” – In this day and age, everything is available anywhere, but at what cost???

“Porn DVD covers?” – Yes, they make them.

“Metallica or AC/DC?” – It all depends on if you are a Beavis person, or a Butthead person. When you find that inside of you, you will know the answer.

“Do you BELIEVE?” – I believe in a lot of things. I believe in every drop of rain that falls. I believe that JFK was killed by a conspiracy. I believe that people shouldn’t carry grudges. I believe that forwarding personal correspondence without someone’s permission isn’t on the level. I believe in Kevin Costner’s speech in Bull Durham, except for the Oswald part, as I’ve stated above. I believe Paul Young was underrated as a singer. I believe I’ve spent too long on this question…

“Does anyone know how to remove salt stains from black leather boots?” – Oh, I’m sure there’s someone that does, but why are you wearing your hot black leather boots out in weather like this? Seriously, dress practically, if you can.

“Is it hard to buy?” – It depends. If you are trying to purchase Plutonium, then you MAY have some issues. If you want to buy a Hershey bar, then any grocery store or CVS would have them.

“Would you do it?” – I’ve done a lot. Actually, I’ve probably done too much, so at this point, I wouldn’t do it. But go knock yourself out.

“She is poor…don’t go out with her?” – He’s a dick. Don’t go out with HIM.

“Billy Bob Thornton thinks Shakespeare is BS. What’s your opinion?” – My opinion is that anyone who puts stock in what some celebrity has to say about ANYTHING is a dumb noodeloaf.

But I’ll let you be the judge. Here’s Act IV, Scene iii of King Lear. I just picked it at random, but, still…

Why the King of France is so suddenly gone back
know you the reason?
Something he left imperfect in the
state, which since his coming forth is thought
of; which imports to the kingdom so much
fear and danger, that his personal return was
most required and necessary.
Who hath he left behind him general?
The Marshal of France, Monsieur La Far.
Did your letters pierce the queen to any
demonstration of grief?
Ay, sir; she took them, read them in my presence;
And now and then an ample tear trill'd down
Her delicate cheek: it seem'd she was a queen
Over her passion; who, most rebel-like,
Sought to be king o'er her.
O, then it moved her.
Not to a rage: patience and sorrow strove
Who should express her goodliest. You have seen
Sunshine and rain at once: her smiles and tears
Were like, a better way: those happy smilets,
That play'd on her ripe lip, seem'd not to know
What guests were in her eyes; which parted thence,
As pearls from diamonds dropp'd. In brief,
Sorrow would be a rarity most beloved,
If all could so become it.
Made she no verbal question?
'Faith, once or twice she heaved the name of 'father'
Pantingly forth, as if it press'd her heart:
Cried 'Sisters! sisters! Shame of ladies! sisters!
Kent! father! sisters! What, i' the storm? i' the night?
Let pity not be believed!' There she shook
The holy water from her heavenly eyes,
And clamour moisten'd: then away she started
To deal with grief alone.
It is the stars,
The stars above us, govern our conditions;
Else one self mate and mate could not beget
Such different issues. You spoke not with her since?
Was this before the king return'd?
No, since.
Well, sir, the poor distressed Lear's i' the town;
Who sometime, in his better tune, remembers
What we are come about, and by no means
Will yield to see his daughter.
Why, good sir?
A sovereign shame so elbows him: his own unkindness,
That stripp'd her from his benediction, turn'd her
To foreign casualties, gave her dear rights
To his dog-hearted daughters, these things sting
His mind so venomously, that burning shame
Detains him from Cordelia.
Alack, poor gentleman!
Of Albany's and Cornwall's powers you heard not?
'Tis so, they are afoot.
Well, sir, I'll bring you to our master Lear,
And leave you to attend him: some dear cause
Will in concealment wrap me up awhile;
When I am known aright, you shall not grieve
Lending me this acquaintance. I pray you, go
Along with me.

Oh, that’s good writing there!

I hope these answers helped these poor souls!


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