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10:24 a.m. - April 12, 2007
I think everyoneís been saturated with the Don Imus flack. I think Iíve over-commented on a couple of peopleís sites, and thatís not good when I get wound up.

However, what Iím most displeased about is his Ďapologyí or lack thereof. Ok, he did apologize but it really wasnít enough and was too little, too late. Coupled with his history for doing such things (spelled out in a great column by Michael Wilbon, the apology just wonít cut it.

But that got me to thinking (which again is dangerous) that others in history could have tried to apologize for what they have done. Letís examine these letters of apology.


Dear Ophelia,

Please let this letter express my condolences to you on the loss of your father Polonius.

Iím sorry for the way Iíve treated you. I made you think that I loved you. I broke into your room and stared at you like a crazy homeless person. I shouldnít have said that you needed to go to a nunnery, either. And my actions at the play were beyond the pale. I need to watch my mouth.

I may have sounded crazy there, but it was the Sudafed I was taking. These castles are drafty, and the climate here in Denmark isnít good for my sinuses.

I want to drop by and give you the gifts again after we have all mourned the passing of your father.



PS Ė I know sometimes you like to climb that willow in the courtyard when you are sad. You should watch out. I think some of the limbs are about ready to snap.


Dear Citizens of Earth,

In retrospect, we are truly sorry for casting Ms. Britney Spears on the Mickey Mouse Club back in 1993.

It would have spared the world a lot of grief, and several trees would not have to be cut down to print the news of her latest exploits.

Again, we are truly sorry; weíll be sure to be more careful in the future.


The Walt Disney Corporation


Dear Austria-Hungary,

We are so sorry that one of the crazy separatists associated with the Bosnian Serb movement assassinated the Archduke in Sarajevo.

While we do believe that all Serbs and Southern Slavs should be united under one government, I think Mr. Princip took things just a bit too far. I hope that by this letter you will know our sincere feelings of regret and remorse and hope that we can just let this incident pass without getting Germany and Russia involved.

Again, we give our condolences on the passing of Franz Ferdinand.



Dear Users,

Iím sorry that Windows crashes all the damn time and you have to restart the computer every day or two because we have a new security update. Itís frustrating for me, too. Believe me. At times, I fire a software engineer just because of these issues.


Bill Gates


Dear Employers Of Internet Users,

Iím sorry that I created MySpace. I can see now that productivity in the workplace has totally shrunk to almost nil as everyone checks every 10 minutes to see if someone has posted a new comment, or sent them a message, or worries about why someone dropped them from their top friends.

Believe you me - Iím sick of looking at my picture as well. I think I need a new photo.

Again, sorry for the lost man hours that you have suffered. If thereís anything I can do, please let me know.




Dear Tony,

Iím so sorry I abused you during the making of our infomercial in 1989. I found the video on You Tube and was appalled at my behavior and my language. It was unacceptable and unprofessional to use such foul language and heap invectives on the crew.

I hope you are doing well.


Jack Rebney


Dear All,

Iím sorry, that was just a gratuitous letter to post that hilarious video.




Dear Jesus,

Iím sorry. In retrospect, I should have not listened to the scribes and Pharisees and been stronger in resolve that I found you innocent and no threat to the Roman Empire. Can you forgive me?

Yours truly,

Pontius Pilate

PS Ė Can you make the dreams go away?


Dear Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse,

Sorry for getting in your way.

Lt. Col. George A. Custer


Ah, you see. It did no good for those folks either!


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