12:49 p.m. - December 31, 2006
New Years Resolutions - Smed Style....
2006 is thankfully nearing its end, and the denizens of Smed’s Corner look forward to 2007 with great vigor.
While in many ways, 2006 was a great year, with meeting new people, the joy of parenthood, and reaffirming old friendships, in many ways, 2006 sucked the blue whale’s father, right Garth?
When you lose a parent, it’s hard. When a spouse loses a parent, it’s doubly hard, because you have to be there for comfort and support – be the rock – and you are also hurting inside. The saga of Liz’s mom dominated 2006, and we’re all relieved that this year gets over with toot sweet.
Anyway, it’s time for some resolutions, isn’t it? That’s the way you start fresh, right, by resolving to do stuff in 2007, making an honest effort and then, well, shrugging your shoulders when you backslide and fall off the rails a skosh.
So, I, Smed, hereby resolve, in 2007, that I will (from the easiest to the hardest):
• Not become a mass murderer.
• Be positive in my outlook on life, no matter what happens.
• Try to spread the message of tolerance, love and understanding amongst my friends and the internet at large, even though almost all of my friends agree with me.
• Love Katie, Kristin and Liz to my fullest extent possible, and then love them more.
• Not be convicted of securities fraud.
• Not be sent to Iraq.
• Not to die in a strange death involving large fruits, electrical devices and a commemorative statuette of the Jefferson Memorial.
• Love and respect my friends.
• Don’t get any wild hairdos. It’s sad to look at David Lee Roth now, and you should just be content for a buzz cut every six weeks or so.
• Not to sing inappropriate lyrics in church, out loud.
• Not to throw beer cans at the television when the Cubs new starter, Jason Marquis, gives up two three home runs in an inning to turn a 6-2 lead to an 8-6 deficit. (I’ve switched to bottles, for the most part – or wine.)
• Not to scratch my…private parts…in front of my daughters.
• Work my program.
• Throw more strikes.
• Stay off the G—d---- internet after midnight.
• Tip better. Make it 20% instead of 18% or so, or at least leave a buck if your lunch isn’t that expensive.
• Make sure that IT isn’t janky when IT’S time to…perform.
• Not to buy any music by sub-par artists on iTunes, no matter how much that one song sticks in your head. You know, that one…
• Improve my writing, so that people only fall asleep SOME of the time when I’m writing about an esoteric subject.
• Think before I act. Sometimes well intentioned actions or words totally spin out of control, and I have to perform mega-damage control (something I am doing now, BTW) in order to get back in the good graces of someone who I know is a friend, but is just miffed at me because I was an idiot.
• Stop wearing the jeans with a hole in the knees out to Kroger, because they also have a small hole right near my junk. And no one needs to see my junk unless they want to see it.
• Improve my footwork on defense when I play hoops, and not take wild shots outside of the context of the offense, whatever that may be for lunchtime pickup basketball featuring people who are as old as I am or older.
• Try to avoid staring at the cleavage of the pastor’s 18-year old step daughter at church when you’re serving her communion and she wears a totally low cut blouse with a push-up bra. Oh, did I tell you she’s a redhead too. You know, the whole lead us not into temptation bit, God. Well, I mean, really now. You could help a brother out, here.
• Not mock bands that I think are trite and pretentious directly of someone who is a big fan of that band…to their face. That’s what the internet is for, right?
• Realize that no matter how much you want to think you can try, there are some people that you can’t reach. They are lost causes, and have their minds made up already.
• Realize that not everyone knows about Sartre, curling, minor political parties, the impact of the second law of thermodynamics on the religious world, Praseodymium, inappropriate deaths of Popes, the Welsh kingdoms of the 10yh and 11th century (even though its fun to type in all of those y’s and l’s), and if you are going to reference such things, at least link to SOMETHING so people get some context, OK?
• Stop moaning about how much weight you’ve gained, and do something about it. OK, now you’re writing this list before lunch, and you’re going to have Reduced Fat Pizza Rolls for lunch, and no matter how reduced in fat they are, those’ll still kill you. No wonder you went up a waist size in jeans just now, moron. I mean, come on – would it hurt to mix in a turkey sandwich once in a while instead of going to Burger King or Taco Bell? Geez….
Well, hopefully I can follow these simple resolutions in 2007. Here’s to a great year, everyone! Tomorrow, I’ll be watching football with my homies – so much so that I’ll see zone blitzes in my dreams. Take care!
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