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9:52 a.m. - October 26, 2006
Why Don't You Stop And Look What's Goin' Down
Preface: Because I am going to commit egregious copyright law violations, I urge everyone who reads this to buy a copy of Tomorrow The Green Grass by the Jayhawks (thanks for the correction, Lap!), so they get SOME money from me cribbing the great song Blue written by Mark Olson and Gary Louris.

Oh, and if these essays ever get published in a book (oh, please!) then I'm sure the rights to use the lyrics will be retained, this preface will be moot, and my editor will remove these two paragraphs. Or not.


Where have all my friends gone
They've all disappeared
Turned around maybe one day
You were all that was there

Yes, I'm in a funk today.

It started yesterday after dinner, when I got this feeling of loneliness while I was driving to a meeting. It was loneliness and ennui, wrapped into a feeling that I am on Smed-overdrive and may have bugged a couple of people too much.

I wanted to listen to the World Series on my drive but the game was rained out. I had forgotten my iPod and I didn't have any of the mixes that I made for people, so there wasn't much music choice in the car, either.

And now I wake up late this morning, find the same cold, bleary rain that plagued St. Louis yesterday and I just felt low.

Stood by unbelieving
Stood by on my own
Always thought I was someone
Turned out I was wrong

The thing was that yesterday was a great day. I got some work done (kick ass), went home and saw they were trimming our trees (finally), and had a good therapy session where everything was going sunshine, blue skies and roses. Well, as much as it can be.

I think my marriage and relationship with Liz are recovering and I was really happy with that. When I got home, and I saw Liz and the girls I was grinning from ear to ear. I took some time to decompress after therapy.

But then, the downs happened.

But you brought me through
And you made me feel so

Blue, why don't you stay behind, so
Blue, why don't you stop and look at what's goin' down

After I got home from my drive last night, Liz noticed that I was in a funk, and did her best to make me feel good. I know she's got a lot on her mind, especially with our upcoming trip to Kansas and Oklahoma, and I need to be strong and be her rock during that time. Yet, when I'm down I feel like I can't be the rock and that makes it worse.

So she went to bed and I watched part of this World War I documentary that I'm TiVoing on the Military Channel. The parts are out of order, but I know the basic plot. I cheered up a bit (not by seeing scenes of violence and mayhem and starving Germans and Austrians and a ripped up French countryside) because I thought I could put together a very good essay on the importance of history and marveling at the actual film footage from World War I that was in this documentary.

Then I went online and a couple of friends were there and cheered me up, and then I went to sleep, late but a bit happier.

Live by an old woman
She'd never sell me a lie
It's hard to sing with someone
Who won't sing with you
Give all of my mercy
Give all of my heart
Never thought I'd miss you
That I'd miss you so much

This morning, I had some odd, uncharacterizable dreams (as in, I don't know what I was really dreaming, and I can't put them into words) and when I looked at the clock it was past 7:30. Liz had decided not to write and the sky was black enough that it wasn't really morning.

The Smed family was going to be running late. I logged on the computer, went downstairs, read the newspapers, drank my coffee and took my pills, and then went back up to shower up.

In the shower, I had a wave of sadness hit again. Something was wrong in the Smediverse.

I am not clinical at all. I'm taking Zoloft for my OCD, and it�s really evened me out. But once in a while, like everyone, I get a bit sad and blue. And this was that day. There was something rotten in my fabric. I stood in the shower, sighing, wondering why I am sad.

The weather isn�t helping � it's a chilly rain that will last all day. The sky is gray and bleak.

But you brought me through
And you made me feel
Blue, why don't you stay behind
Blue, why don't you stop and look at what's goin' down

Why should I be sad?

I have the best wife and the best daughters and the best friends a guy could ask for. My friends are a unique collection of intelligent smart-asses that compliment and supplement me. My work is going well and I'm doing well at it.

So why am I sad? Is there something going on that is disturbing my universe?

Stand by, stand by, waiting round
(All my life I'm waiting for, someone I could hold the door)
Now that I'm blue, that I'm blue
(But nothing seems to change, you'll come back I know)
From now on, so

Was I in Smed overdrive without knowing it? Was I TOO happy and manic over the past few days? Maybe I need to re-evaluate who I am and what I do?

Yes, when I get into these moods, I tend to over think things. Big time. Blow up little things into big problems. Obsess about what I say to others and to myself. So I kick myself in the shins, repeatedly.

That�s not good for the psyche really.

Blue, why don't you stay behind
Blue, why don't you, stay behind
So blue, yeah, yeah, yeah
So blue, why don't you stop and look at what's goin' down

So I get to work, a bit late. It's raining and I'm a bit wet. But I got a nice message from a friend, a nice call from Liz, and then, the worm-hole in the Smediverse revealed itself.

It was something that could have been taken care of yesterday, had a certain JANKY company been on it. But of course, with millions of users, they can't even let a simple message go through.

So she thought I was ignoring her message and I thought she was being aloof, when in fact that it was a message that never got to me.

And when she asked why I hadn't responded, I told her that I didn't get a message. So she resent it, and within a half hour, everything is on its way to being fixed, I think. At least it's a good step.

Hopefully, my mood will now brighten. I want to not think of the work being done at our house, and how I have slacked in my duties as kitchen helper (I just wasn't in the mood to do dishes, you know) and how I really want to make out with my wife at this exact second and think happy thoughts. Well, making out with Liz is a happy thought. But I want to think happy thoughts that won't drive me nutty in anticipation.

It's funny, because even writing this has helped me a bit. Now, I'm still not all sunshine and roses, but the clouds are lifting.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same about the weather.


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