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10:34 a.m. - May 22, 2007
More Yahoo Questions To Answer!
A while ago, I answered some questions schlubs had posted on Yahoo. And well, it proved popularÖok, one of you loved it. So why not do it again?

Yes, why not? Milk an idea for all itís worth, right? Heh.

Remember, these are actual questions from actual peopleÖ

How do you recognize contractions? What do they feel like? - Being a man, I canít say for sure, but I would think they would feel like nothing you have felt before. Remember that scene in Alien, where the alien baby comes out of the dudeís stomach? I can imagine that a kicking baby would seem like an alien is right there wanting to come through your body. I do think that if you are asking people on Yahoo and not your OB/GYN then this baby may have issues.

How can we cure acne? - Turn 25. See a dermatologist. Slather gunk on your face and take some pills. Good luck pizza face.

Does anyone understand the rule in the move Gremlins? - Ah, Gremlins. The rules seem pretty simple. Donít get them wet. Keep them away from bright light. Never feed them after midnight. Whatís not to understand? Itís people like you that caused all of the commotion in the movie to begin with. What part of donít feed them after midnight do you NOT understand? Of course, one wonders what time zone they are talking about. Is it midnight GMT? What about daylight savings? Those are questions you should ask.

How do I train my great dane puppy to ring a bell to go outside? - Why do you need a bell? When a great dane knocks over two lamps and an end table rushing for the door, itís time to go outside.

Can you help me with my injury? - Iím not a doctor, but if itís a cut of some sort, I can. I can also put some Neosporin on whatever. If you need major reconstructive surgery of some type, Iím out of luck. Better see a doctor and not ask strangers on the internet. By the time they get there, you may have gangrene.

Can some1 help please? - Not unless you use real words, dearie.

When you get angry do you break out in song? - No, not really. I would suggest you ask that of Henry Rollins, though.

Does the beating of your heart match the music of your mind? - It matters what kind of song it is. Tony DeFranco said ďlisten to my heart pound / listen to my love soundĒ so I think he was pretty well synched up. If your heart is beating as fast as some of the really fast techno beats, then youíd be in trouble. Same if your heart was beating along to some songs by the Melvins or the Swans.

Why do I binge when I am drunk? - UmÖbecause youíre drunk!

Do you ever reenact the dance routine for ďGreased LighteningĒ when you wash your car? - Well, I canít say that I do. Not that thereís anything wrong with doing that, but show tunes arenít in my idiom. Besides, have you seen me dance?

Christians: Would you let a baby drown because you do not like the person calling for help? - First, why ask Christians only? Second, no matter what religion you are, if you do something like that, then youíre going to have to answer for that action at some point. Third, youíre just an ass.

If I exercise daily do I have to eat right? I really wanna keep my leg but can lose everything else. - Um, you want to keep your leg? Is one of them gone? Some people have a thing for that, you know. Go post there. And yes, if you donít eat right youíll be a well toned flabbo. Like me.

I need to get out of a wedding? - Be a man (or a woman) and tell the person that itís over. Then tell your family and friends. Donít just run away and take a bus to Albuquerque. That doesnít work out as well as you think it would.

Whatís the difference between a yeast infection and vaginal itch? - Um, even if I had that question myself I wouldnít ask the world, especially not when itís posted by a bright sunny looking avatar.

Will someone cheer me up, please? - Go read McSweeneys. If that seems a bit high-brow and erudite, then do some further reading, and re-read the stuff you didnít get. Now, theyíre funny. And, Frank Viola, youíre cheered up!

Bermuda triangle, real or fake? Is it a warp zone that takes us into another dimension? You know, they say that itís a fake but thatís exactly what they want us to believe. Donít fall sucker to what the man has to say about it. Go down there yourself and investigate, and if you donít come back, then weíll have our answer, wonít we!

Every girl rejects me on eHarmony.com. What gives? - Perhaps you shouldnít be posing in your picture with your mask, chainsaw, and ďI Love Ed GeinĒ t-shirt, dude.

What is a good nickname for someone named Lauren? - Well, there is a veritable plethora of nicknames for someone named Lauren. I think ďBubblesĒ is a good one.

Does Sarah Jessica Parker really look like a foot? - Now thatís low. Iím not a foot person at all, so I think itís pretty insulting to her. Perhaps sheís more of a gibbon.

Why canít I talk? - I secretly broke into your house and removed your voice box with my laser surgery kit.

Our choices for President in 2008 seem lame. Do you agree? - Hey, I just went over all of the candidates. I think when the most intriguing candidates are the crazy old men of the party (Paul and Gravel) then weíre in for some lame times. Of course, that could be said about every president (except one) since 1964. Oh, and why during the debates did the Fox News toadies keep harping on if thatís what Reagan would do? Reagan wasnít the paragon of consistent conservative thought, you know.

What is the meaning of life? - Rock and roll is the meaning of life. Take that as you will.

Can you tell if a girl is on her period? If yes, how? - Well, besides two ways of knowing (a: asking b: invading some personal space), I donít think you can look at a woman and know if sheís on her period. So why donít you just ask, and if the woman says yes, just let it go. Even if sheís lying, she probably wants nothing to do with you, dork.

I think Iíve had enough questions for now. My brain hurts!

 

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