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11:58 a.m. - February 07, 2008
These Songs Won't Be On The Next Hannah / Miley Album...
As I was watching the young Ms. Cyrus’ moment in the sun in 3-D (the Hannah Montana movie, of course) there was one song that she sang during her stint as Miley Cyrus that used the phrase “it’s so easy” during the chorus.

Katie was bopping along to the song, but my mind was a-wanderin’. For some reason, the phrase “It’s so easy” stuck with me, and not because of Cyrus, but because of a great song from my younger days that used that phrase.

This song would NOT be appropriate for a young teen star to be crooning to her tween fans, but sick mind as I have at times, I couldn’t let it go.

So then I thought of other songs that wouldn’t make the cut, and finally came up with a list of 12 songs. Yes, these are 12 songs that will NOT be on the next Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus album, for various and sundry reasons. I tried not to be TOO obvious, and actually picked songs that I think she COULD sing, but it wouldn’t be right in oh so many ways. You probably can guess what the reasons are, but you know, just play along, huh?

1. It’s So Easy – Guns N’ Roses. Yeah, right. Miley could get away with singing this one, sure. She’s got a voice that could emulate the evil Axl voice, though. This is such a kick booty song, though. Just never mind the misogyny, here’s Guns N’ Roses!

2. Sex (I’m A…) – Berlin. In the immortal words of Chris Hansen, “Why don’t you have a seat right over there?” You know, if Britney covered it it’d be just par for the course, now.

3. Passage To Bangkok – Rush. Miley / Hannah’s band has the chops to do this song justice, and Miley can actually reach the notes in the original recording (unfortunately Geddy can’t very often anymore. But seriously, the subject matter of this song wouldn’t be good for such a clean-cut teen, of course.

4. Death On Two Legs – Queen. For one, I don’t think Miley should wear Freddie’s outfits. For two, can you imagine her singing, “And now you can kiss…my ass goodbye!” Not to the Jonas Brothers, you can’t!

5. Yummy Yummy Yummy – The Ohio Express. In 1969, this was rather innocent. Ok, semi-innocent. Now? Cue Mr. Hansen…

6. My Generation – The Who. “I hope I die before I get old.” Not something Katie would want to hear.

7. Hit Me Baby One More Time – Britney Spears. Oh, can you imagine the outrage if she deigned to cover this song?

8. Paranoid – Black Sabbath. Not that I wouldn’t mind a darker turn for Miley once in a while (how can you be so incessantly cheery and upbeat, anyway?) but I think this may be more of a sharp veer into the abyss.

9. Suck My Left One – Bikini Kill. I can almost seeing her pull of “Rebel Girl” on a ‘very special episode’, but this one? No way, no how.

10. Doll Parts – Hole. I think about 20 security guards spring into action if Courtney Love is within 20 miles of Miley Cyrus.

11. Mama Weer All Crazee Now – Slade. Billy Ray Cyrus maybe coulda shoulda done this, right? Actually, no. Hell, only Slade should do this. And actually, Miley could have covered it if it wasn’t about whiskey, and just about kids going crazy!

12. Pour Some Sugar On Me – Def Leppard. Again, Mr. Hansen will ask you to have a seat. This is catchy and goofy enough to be one of her songs, but just what is this ‘sugar’ anyway? And if she ever sang, “I’m hot / sticky sweet” I think Billy Ray would nip that in the bud…

I’m sure there are a bazillion more, but those are 12 I just thought of off the top of my head. Now I think I need to take a shower, or go to confession, or both…


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