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4:37 p.m. - August 26, 2007
The One Where I Become A Boat Person
While I know that there are a lot of fair haired pale and people here in Minnesota, I haven’t noticed a preponderance of people who are pale beyond belief.

And now I know why.

Most everyone either has a boat, or knows someone who has a boat. And when the weather is right, then everyone hits the lakes.

My high school friend BB is a middle school teacher here in the Hopkins school district and she called me up and invited me out on the lake with her husband. They also were hoping to hook up with some friends as well.

I parked my car in a Park & Ride in Minnetonka (empty since it was Saturday) and BB picked me up and took me to the house where their boat is docked.

Soon, her husband joined us and away we went.

My first realization that I’m a noob at this is that I didn’t wear swim trunks. Der. We’re on a boat, and the water is nice so one may want to go out onto the water. Her husband found an extra pair of swim trunks though, but didn’t know if I could wear them.

We had some food and a cooler with sodas, etc. and off we went. It was neat going through the channels, and then we hit the open water. They passed through the wakes of some boats that were really booking along. I didn’t see any water skiers, but saw some kids tubing behind the boat. I also saw some people on jet skis, which look fun yet dangerous, much like a motorcycle.

I was just enjoying the ride. It was so peaceful and tranquil, even with the engine humming.

We docked over at a spot that had a lot of boats around it. It reminded me of tailgating at a college game, because there were groups of boats tied together with all kinds of shenanigans afoot.

One set of boats had a keg in the back, and some of the gals (who looked 25 at the oldest and right out of the sorority at the U of M) were doing kegstands helped like a group of guys that looked like they were still wishing they were in the Sigma Chi house but instead had entry level positions reporting to a real life Lundberg.

In fact, I recognized one type immediately – the loudmouth. You know the type – the dude that you can hear ½ mile away encouraging everyone (especially the girls) to drink, chug, do kegstands, beer bongs, or whatever. He’s the one who taunts the girls who pump the kegs with phrases like “pump it like you own it – like you did last night!”

You know that deep inside he’s a sensitive guy but afraid to let that show lest his buddies look to see he’s a ‘fag’. (I mean no offense to my gay friends because I think speech like that is hateful and vile, but you KNOW that’s the language his friends would use).

My friend Mommylap says that he probably has a collection of his grandmother’s doilies in his apartment, tucked behind the best of Jenna Jamison DVD collection.

(Oh, one thing about Minnesota I LOVE is the diversity of people in races, creeds, colors, religions and orientations. Seeing Muslim women wearing red headscarves while they’re working at Super Target (so they’d have team spirit) and seeing seeming acceptance of homosexuals (at least not outright mocking or looks of horror or fear and loathing) makes me feel better. BFE-land is SO 1955 at times. Yeesh.)

At this point, I decided to test the water, so I went and tried to get in the bathing suit. Um, no dice. Let’s just say that the last time I think I could wear medium swim trunks was during the first Bush administration. Not W, the dad.

But I did take off my shirt and then revealed the second way that I’m a noob. I think I blinded BB and her hubby with the whiteness that was my chest. I usually tan pretty well in the summer, but I have ‘lawn mowing tan’ big time. So I slathered myself with sunscreen in an effort not to get broasted, like I did last year at the 500 . I didn’t think being Chester Fried Smed would be a good way to start my second week at the firm.

We then got a call from BB’s friends and we went over to get them. 15 years ago, you’d really have to plan meet-ups with people in advance, but now, you just get a call and go meet them. Cell phone service works well on the lake.

BB is a techno-geek, which is refreshing. I’ve known here since 2nd grade and we’ve always been friends, but she was a cheerleader (DON’T MOCK HER!) and it’s refreshing to see that you can break out of that stereotype and be totally geeked up by her new iPhone.

Of course, she also de-activated from her sorority because she was a ‘rebel’, which means I like her even more.

BB remembered my geekdom, and then fueled it more by baiting me about my music collection and my memory of events in elementary school, especially the hayride in sixth grade where I sat in the back of the wagon and shone a flashlight on the couples who were stealing kisses. Heh.

We met up with her friends, and they’re an interesting bunch. One woman, who is about 50 (but doesn’t look it) works at the school and has a teenage son. The son was thinking about going wakeboarding, but decided against it. (She also has a belly button ring and a mini tramp-stamp, so I think mid-life crisis time is upon her.)

Anyway, the provisions we had were low, so she dispatched her son to go to her house and stock up and then take her boat and meet us at Big Island.

So off we went, and it was fun. It was great to meet other adults in my age range, and I hope I wasn’t a total geeky spaz boy (nah – I’ve outgrown that – even BB says so). It of course was great to relax and do nothing in the water – I recommend that highly.

Well, the teenager got to the house, and we were thinking he’d be meeting us soon. There were some time constraints as one person had to go to a hog roast and luau, so she had a time frame to be somewhere at a certain time. So that was our limit, because by then we’d all be tired and sunned out.

So more conversations and discussions and all, and still no son.

I had to go relieve myself, but with no facility there’s no choice but to get wet and go in the lake. If you ever see a bunch of people in Lake Minnetonka just standing in the water near their boats (both men and women), then they’re going #1 in the water. I had shorts on though, and so I had to unzip and go the conventional way (even if I was underwater, because I didn’t want to pee through my shorts and boxers).

But you know, why is it that people will pee in the swimming pool through their swimsuits (and admit it – you have done that at some point in your life). Is it because the water would just rinse it all away?

As I climbed onto the boat after relief, they really needed to get back. Finally, after about 2 hours, the son got back with the provisions.

Just in time for us to leave, and when he found out that, he had a sullen teenage hissy fit. But his mom is perennially late as well, and basically ordered him to do stuff. And then to figure out how to get everyone where they needed to go took differential calculus.

It seems there’s a power play afoot – as the mom has really mapped out the kid’s path and the kid is reacting by being immature for his age and also rebelling and talking back with no recourse.

Oh, joy.

Anyway shape or form, we dropped people off to where they needed to be and then got back to the home dock.

I had a blast.

And I still was fricasseed. I needed to be in a white wine sauce with some shallots. Aloe, here I come.

I am so glad I have friends like BB up here. We really haven’t hung out since 1984, but after all this time it was good to reconnect. Because of our roots, and our smarts, we have things in common even if our lives took very divergent paths, but now we’re converging again.

Plus, it’s always great to have an adult couple nearby. We’re lucky because I’ve got about six or seven of those couples or individuals that I know or ‘virtually’ know in the area.

So, my first experience on the lake went well, and I have BB’s cell phone number in my cell. So, on those rare occasions when I have a spare moment and want to hang close to home, I’ll ring her up.


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