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10:34 a.m. - May 22, 2007
More Yahoo Questions To Answer!
A while ago, I answered some questions schlubs had posted on Yahoo. And well, it proved popular�ok, one of you loved it. So why not do it again?

Yes, why not? Milk an idea for all it�s worth, right? Heh.

Remember, these are actual questions from actual people�

How do you recognize contractions? What do they feel like? - Being a man, I can�t say for sure, but I would think they would feel like nothing you have felt before. Remember that scene in Alien, where the alien baby comes out of the dude�s stomach? I can imagine that a kicking baby would seem like an alien is right there wanting to come through your body. I do think that if you are asking people on Yahoo and not your OB/GYN then this baby may have issues.

How can we cure acne? - Turn 25. See a dermatologist. Slather gunk on your face and take some pills. Good luck pizza face.

Does anyone understand the rule in the move Gremlins? - Ah, Gremlins. The rules seem pretty simple. Don�t get them wet. Keep them away from bright light. Never feed them after midnight. What�s not to understand? It�s people like you that caused all of the commotion in the movie to begin with. What part of don�t feed them after midnight do you NOT understand? Of course, one wonders what time zone they are talking about. Is it midnight GMT? What about daylight savings? Those are questions you should ask.

How do I train my great dane puppy to ring a bell to go outside? - Why do you need a bell? When a great dane knocks over two lamps and an end table rushing for the door, it�s time to go outside.

Can you help me with my injury? - I�m not a doctor, but if it�s a cut of some sort, I can. I can also put some Neosporin on whatever. If you need major reconstructive surgery of some type, I�m out of luck. Better see a doctor and not ask strangers on the internet. By the time they get there, you may have gangrene.

Can some1 help please? - Not unless you use real words, dearie.

When you get angry do you break out in song? - No, not really. I would suggest you ask that of Henry Rollins, though.

Does the beating of your heart match the music of your mind? - It matters what kind of song it is. Tony DeFranco said �listen to my heart pound / listen to my love sound� so I think he was pretty well synched up. If your heart is beating as fast as some of the really fast techno beats, then you�d be in trouble. Same if your heart was beating along to some songs by the Melvins or the Swans.

Why do I binge when I am drunk? - Um�because you�re drunk!

Do you ever reenact the dance routine for �Greased Lightening� when you wash your car? - Well, I can�t say that I do. Not that there�s anything wrong with doing that, but show tunes aren�t in my idiom. Besides, have you seen me dance?

Christians: Would you let a baby drown because you do not like the person calling for help? - First, why ask Christians only? Second, no matter what religion you are, if you do something like that, then you�re going to have to answer for that action at some point. Third, you�re just an ass.

If I exercise daily do I have to eat right? I really wanna keep my leg but can lose everything else. - Um, you want to keep your leg? Is one of them gone? Some people have a thing for that, you know. Go post there. And yes, if you don�t eat right you�ll be a well toned flabbo. Like me.

I need to get out of a wedding? - Be a man (or a woman) and tell the person that it�s over. Then tell your family and friends. Don�t just run away and take a bus to Albuquerque. That doesn�t work out as well as you think it would.

What�s the difference between a yeast infection and vaginal itch? - Um, even if I had that question myself I wouldn�t ask the world, especially not when it�s posted by a bright sunny looking avatar.

Will someone cheer me up, please? - Go read McSweeneys. If that seems a bit high-brow and erudite, then do some further reading, and re-read the stuff you didn�t get. Now, they�re funny. And, Frank Viola, you�re cheered up!

Bermuda triangle, real or fake? Is it a warp zone that takes us into another dimension? You know, they say that it�s a fake but that�s exactly what they want us to believe. Don�t fall sucker to what the man has to say about it. Go down there yourself and investigate, and if you don�t come back, then we�ll have our answer, won�t we!

Every girl rejects me on eHarmony.com. What gives? - Perhaps you shouldn�t be posing in your picture with your mask, chainsaw, and �I Love Ed Gein� t-shirt, dude.

What is a good nickname for someone named Lauren? - Well, there is a veritable plethora of nicknames for someone named Lauren. I think �Bubbles� is a good one.

Does Sarah Jessica Parker really look like a foot? - Now that�s low. I�m not a foot person at all, so I think it�s pretty insulting to her. Perhaps she�s more of a gibbon.

Why can�t I talk? - I secretly broke into your house and removed your voice box with my laser surgery kit.

Our choices for President in 2008 seem lame. Do you agree? - Hey, I just went over all of the candidates. I think when the most intriguing candidates are the crazy old men of the party (Paul and Gravel) then we�re in for some lame times. Of course, that could be said about every president (except one) since 1964. Oh, and why during the debates did the Fox News toadies keep harping on if that�s what Reagan would do? Reagan wasn�t the paragon of consistent conservative thought, you know.

What is the meaning of life? - Rock and roll is the meaning of life. Take that as you will.

Can you tell if a girl is on her period? If yes, how? - Well, besides two ways of knowing (a: asking b: invading some personal space), I don�t think you can look at a woman and know if she�s on her period. So why don�t you just ask, and if the woman says yes, just let it go. Even if she�s lying, she probably wants nothing to do with you, dork.

I think I�ve had enough questions for now. My brain hurts!

 

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