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10:45 a.m. - May 15, 2007
The GOP Field For 2008
Hey, you know what, the presidential election is in, um, wait a minute…

Let me see…

539 days. Give or take.

So yeah…it’s time to really get to know the candidates who have declared for president, and have all kinds of debates and what not so we can be SURE we know that the person with the most money will win.

Cynical much? Oh, me?

Anyway, is it time to look at those who have thrown their hat in the ring, thus far? Yeah, let’s do that. Why not? We have time, right?

Today, I’ll look at the GOP candidates and tomorrow, the Democrats.

So, who has thrown their hat in the ring?

Rudy Giuliani – New York - Everyone knows Rudy, right? Tough on crime mayor of New York City that was the focal point of the country right after September 11, 2001. After not running for Senate in New York, he’s decided to try to become president, and hoping that the GOP regulars will accept his more liberal social views.

He’s probably the Republican candidate that can realistically take the White House, even with the lousy ratings of the current schlep in office. He’s an outsider, and most of his social views are with the mainstream of the country, no matter what the social right likes to think.

But can the GOP really elect a twice-divorced dude who once shacked up with a couple of gay guys when his wife kicked him out? And will the social right really ‘sit out’ the election if Giuliani wins the nomination? This will be intriguing to see if the same jackals and wolves that destroyed McCain in 2000 will come out against Giuliani.

John McCain – Arizona - In 2000, I considered him to be my choice 1A for president, along with Bill Bradley. We all see how THAT turned out.

However, McCain has decided that adhering to his principles will take a back seat to being elected, as he’s backpedaled or gone silent on a lot of his causes and has embraced the evil, dark forces that destroyed him in 2000. John, slumming with Falwell and Robertson isn’t going to help you with the independent voters that will decide the 2008 election.

Of course, as soon as Election Day 2008 is over, he could go, “Hah! Fooled ya!” to the far right and do what he has always thought was right in terms of immigration and other issues. It wouldn’t be the first time that someone has pandered to a wing of a party and then turned his back on them once they’ve been elected. In fact, it’s a national pastime, sort of like divorced people yelping about family values and the protection of marriage, and people that promise fiscal responsibility running the largest budget deficits we’ve ever seen.

Mitt Romney – Massachusetts - Mitt would be the first Mormon president, which wouldn’t be so bad. White House social events would be a more sober affair, though, perhaps rivaling the Rutherford B. Hayes years. And someone will definitely be in the running for the Postum supply there, for sure! (I kid you not, the only time I ever saw Postum on a restaurant menu was in Utah.)

Romney has flipped on several issues, like gay marriage and abortion, and just flipped again on immigration. I remember when Doonesbury gave Clinton a waffle as an icon. Will Garry Trudeau give Romney a spatula?

Can the social conservatives vote for someone who they think is a member of a cult and not a true religion? If so, then would they vote for Tom Cruise? That’s something to ponder, for sure!

Sam Brownback – Kansas - Evolution? Shmevolution! Brownback is the wet dream of the Christian right, but returning the country to the 50’s (and perhaps the 1850’s at that) isn’t anyone’s idea of progress.

What is hurting him as well is his total lack of awareness. In Wisconsin recently, he was making a football allusion (good for him) and used Peyton Manning as his QB of choice. Um…Sam…ever hear of a guy named Favre?

Also, the extreme right in Kansas rears its ugly head every few years when they seem to win seats on the Board of Education, and then try to change the curriculum to eliminate evolution. You do want the kids in Kansas to actually succeed in life, right, or do you want to just go ahead and bleed them with leeches and apply poultices when they get sick?

But if Brownback wins the election, you ladies better get your bonnets and petticoats ready!

Mike Huckabee – Arkansas - Hey, it’s an Arkansas governor with a compelling personal story to tell. He can tell you how he lost weight. And all you need to do is follow his simple plan!

But he’s right there with Brownback, and seemingly against the rest of the country who would want to move forward on gay rights to some degree, and are tired of the same old battles that have been fought for many years. Huckabee also said he’s against gays adopting children, which gives me serious pause as to what alternate reality he’s living in. Oh, yeah, and he doesn’t believe in evolution, either. He’s not blinded by science, no sir!

Huckabee made news that said if the GOP doesn’t ask for strict morality from their party representatives, then they’d have to give a big apology to Bill Clinton for attacking him so virulently. Um, Mike, they’d rather have sex with a gay abortion doctor than do that.

Ron Paul – Texas - Everyone needs a crazy uncle to liven up a party, and Paul is that.

Oh, he actually makes sense at times.

He’s a true libertarian, against big government, and totally against the war in Iraq. He votes against any bill that spends money in the House, and is considering starting an investigation to see if Bush sent troops to Iraq illegally.

He makes so much sense that there’s no way he’ll ever win. Ever.

Tom Tancredo – Colorado - He’s the whacko that shows up at the party, and everyone is too afraid to ask him to leave because they think that someone brought him, when all along he just crashed it.

He’s called for the bombing of Islamic holy sites, for one. He also is the most strident opponent of illegal immigration, using a lot of bombast and hyperbole in coming up with plans that have no way of working in this century or any century. Tancredo? Isn’t that Italian? Didn’t they have a lot of hot air about allowing Italians in this country about 125 years ago? Thought so.

Basically, he doesn’t like anyone who is not like him. You know – male, rich, white and a congressman. That’s a pretty limited social circle, Tom.

Tommy Thompson – Wisconsin - Um, who? Oh, yeah, the former governor and recently the secretary of Health and Human Services.

Thompson got off on the wrong foot by stating that ‘earning money is part of the Jewish tradition.’ Actually, he’s gotten his big gaffe out of the way early, so it should be smooth sailing from now, until he finishes fifth in New Hampshire and drops out.

Duncan Hunter – California - Um, who? Some inside wag said that since he’s no longer chairman of a Congressional committee, he needs ‘something to do’, and someplace to put all of his campaign funds and donations given to him by the same folks that gave a lot of schwag to “Duke” Cunningham.

Oh, and Hunter, in Newsweek considered Dubya his ‘personal hero’. Duncan, you WANT to get elected, right?

Jim Gilmore – Virginia - The former Virginia governor is going to use the internet to talk directly to voters. Unfortunately, the voters most interested in Gilmore think that they should trade in their Rambler for an LTD.

Elephants In The Room - Oh, I’m punny aren’t I? Newt Gingrich wants to run, and I’d really like to see him get the nomination just so we can prove to him how much we as a country don’t like him! The big elephant is Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel, who has basically given Bush and the GOP a what-for in terms of Iraq. He’s gotten some sympathetic press out there and could make a splash. Of course, the machine would chew him up like they did McCain in 2000, but that would only expose them as total idiots.

Well, these guys are actually running for president. Can you believe it? Tomorrow, there are eight Democrats who have declared, plus a couple of big donkeys waiting in the wings. Don’t worry – I won’t spare them either!


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