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9:58 a.m. - April 03, 2007
Rollerskating In A Buffalo Herd
I bought some tunes by Roger Miller for my iPodÖ

OK, stop right there. Iím only going to say these things once, and then no more interruptions, OK?

1. Itís NOT a sign of sickness or addiction to buy Roger Miller tunes. Seriously.

2. Thereís nothing better than random iPodness that goes from Roger Miller to Alabama Thunderpussy to LCD Soundsystem to Mountain. So there.

3. Iím just as excited that I found ďPicasso Visita El Planeta De Los SimiosĒ by Adam And The Ants on iTunes.

4. Dang me. Dang me.

Where were we?

Yeah, so I bought some tunes by Roger Miller, and one that everyone seems to know, and has somewhat become a kids favorite in some parts of the globe is ďYou Canít Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd.Ē

As I listened to the song, which extolled things that you seemingly cannot do, coupled with the platitude (if you can understand the mumble) that you can be happy if youíve a mind to it, knuckle down, buckle down, do it, do it do it (thereís no truth that Miller is now sponsored by Nike, though that swoosh on his guitar is suspicious) I wondered if you really COULD do such things that he said you could not.

I donít like being told what I can and canít do, Mr.Miller, (understatement much?) so I want to see for MYSELF if what you recorded in the year of my birth is actually true.

You Canít Rollerskate In A Buffalo Herd - Well, I sent Smedís Corner correspondent Emily Plath out to test this. We have a farmer that has some buffalo nearby, and so we could definitely test this out.

Emily reported that the buffalo herd didnít really bother her while she had on her roller skates, but the uneven ground of the farmland, which would be similar to what one would expect on the open range, made it hard to roller skate effectively. And moving the buffalo to a sidewalk or driveway proved to be pretty useless.

So, she says, that you plausibly could roller skate in the midst of a buffalo herd, just as long as the ground is dry and reasonably level.

You Canít Take A Shower In A Parakeet Cage - Smedís Corner correspondent Dylan Yeats was the intrepid reporter trying to prove or disprove this notion.

Dylan said that one could ostensibly take a shower in a parakeet cage if the cage were large enough. One could not get inside a normal parakeet cage, though you could take a shower with a parakeet cage on your head, possibly.

You Canít Go Swimming In A Baseball Pool - We sent Smedís Corner correspondent Joyce Keats to Arizona, and she reported that the ballpark that the Diamondbacks play in, Chase Field, has a swimming pool in the outfield. So one could definitely go swimming in a Ďbaseball poolí. Whether Mr. Miller meant that, exactly, is unknown at this time.

You Canít Change Film With A Kid On Your Back - Smedís Corner correspondent Ezra Cummings had Smedís Corner official daughter #2 Kristin climb upon his back while changing the memory card of a digital camera, and Cummings was able to change out the card with no problem. He also was able to change cartridges of an old instamatic, but did experience some issues when trying to load 35 mm film in an old Canon AE-1, but that may be because tennis star John Newcombe kept whacking him with serves. Next time, Ezra, donít change film on the tennis court.

You Canít Drive Around With A Tiger In Your Car - We sent Percy Sandburg out on this mission. The longtime Smedís Corner correspondent reports that you can definitely drive with a tiger cub in your car, but an adult tiger is a bit more problematic because of the size of the animal. An SUV shouldnít be a problem, Sandburg says, but the smaller the car, the harder it is. He also says that heís recovering nicely at St. Vincentís Hospital in Indianapolis, and that itís not recommended to put a tiger in a Volkswagen Beetle.

You Canít Go Fishing In A Watermelon Patch - Edna Frost, Smedís Corner Correspondent, reports that a watermelon patch is dry, so that there would be no plausible way to fish in a watermelon patch itself. However, if the patch was positioned near a farm pond, then you could easily sit IN the watermelon patch and fish. She also reports the bluegill are biting right now, while the crappie and smallmouth bass are still a bit shy.

Well, it seems that Mr. Miller was a bit presumptuous in saying that you can and cannot do. Take that Mr. Miller.

Perhaps you would say that:

ē You canít do clinicals with your foot in a cast?
ē You canít expect free drinks from an Outback manager?

Oh, wait, I think you CAN do clinicals with your foot in a cast, right?

Anyway, no one tells Smedís Corner what he and his readers can and canít do. So thereÖ.nyyyyeah!


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