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10:41 a.m. - March 27, 2007
It's A Conspiracy
It�s all a conspiracy, I say.

All of it!

It�s a conspiracy that yummy foods like queso dip, Girl Scout Cookies, and pepperoni pizza from Arni�s make you a pudgy boy.

It�s a conspiracy that I whacked my elbow on something, so I have a bone bruise on it, and I don�t remember when I whacked it. I think I slammed it against my night stand when I was sleeping, but I don�t remember. Anyway, someone caused that, I�m sure.

Totally, someone has made it so that an email from a coach went into my spam filter and I had no idea he responded to my query. They�re out to get me.

My performance in my NCAA pool? Totally a conspiracy against me. Someone totally rigged it so that Creighton and Winthrop would lose in the first round, and that Wisconsin would lose to UNLV. Someone also kept the lid on the basket for North Carolina, and caused Kansas to play poorly down the stretch. It wasn�t their fault � not at all � it was the MAN out to get me.

The man is also keeping me down by not allowing URGH! A Music War and The Decline Of The Western Civilization (the punk rock one) on DVD, legitimately, so if I want to purchase them I have to do it via the black market internet. (More on URGH! later in the week.) The man, with his contract law, is against me.

My home computer is in a conspiracy against me, because every time I have to restart it it�s slow for about five days, for some reason.

Superchunk has been in a life long conspiracy against me, because they�ve never played in Indianapolis since I was cognizant of their existence.

My pen just ran out of ink. It�s totally against me.

In 1990, there was this cute girl that was a touch-key professional at Target. I never asked her out, and the forces were against me doing so as they held my tongue in its mouth. Same with the cute assistant manager at Wendy�s during that time.

It�s just another example of the man keeping someone down.

I contend that Alex Gonzalez, the shortstop was in cahoots with someone against me personally, and no one else, when he flubbed that double play ball in the eighth inning of game six of the 2003 National League Championship Series, thus extending the inning for Florida, and we all know what happened there.

The man doesn�t want to have me see the Cubs win. Holy cow.

The designated hitter is a conspiracy against me!

Internet columnist Bill Simmons on ESPN.com is also part of the world-wide plot. Why? Because everything he says I disagree with, and he�s popular. Yes, mostly with mouth-breathers who can�t admit that women can play basketball well, and that the movie Rounders is a pinnacle of cinema, while Office Space isn�t that great, but still � I get 100 or so unique visits a day � and he gets more.

It doesn�t matter that he�s on ESPN and I�m on Diaryland and MySpace. The �net is out to get me. That�s right � they�re even blocking people from making comments. It has to be that reason. Heh.

Axl Rose is out to get me. For sure. He said so. Oh, wait, he�s singing about people being out to get him on that first Guns �N� Roses album. Well, still, he�s against me because he refuses to release Chinese Democracy, basically because I didn�t like anything past their debut album.

MyBacon is out to get me. It�s out to get everyone. Beware. Beware.

I have just had a guest post at The Juice Blog, and it would have been up earlier had Scott Long, the comedian and purveyor of the site, recognized that I sent him the email. It�s not Scott�s fault � the MAN made him not recognize my email name and address. You see?

The forces have aligned against me because the face plate of my cell phone has come off, exposing the display to the elements. Nokia did this on purpose so I would have to consider buying a new cell phone, and Cingular is in cahoots because to get a good price I have to extend my contract again. Right now Liz and I are indentured to Cingular until 2112, I believe.

When my turntable broke, it was a conspiracy. It�s also a conspiracy that they haven�t released a lot of albums I want from the 80s on CD or on iTunes. The big media is out to get me because they�re denying me the right to hear classic Swimming Pool Q�s and Rainmakers records.

I forgot my parent�s wedding anniversary this year, and it wasn�t my fault. Someone tapped into my brain and erased that date, and also caused Liz to miss it when she transferred important dates into her new Franklin last year.

People that don�t check Snopes before sending out forwarded emails are totally against me. They want to see my blood boil, don�t they, and test how good my Lipitor does.

Did I say MyBacon was out to get me? It�s true.

The following politicians are in a conspiracy against me: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Tom DeLay, Dennis Hastert, Mitch McConnell, Ted Kennedy, Richard Lugar, Mitch Daniels, Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee, John Kerry, John McCain, Christopher Dodd, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Joe Lieberman, Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Dole, Tom Tancredo, Richard Daley, Henry Waxman, John Boehner, Dana Rohrabacher, James Sensenbrenner, and Mike Pence.

Indiana Congressman Dan Burton thinks everyone is against HIM, so he�s not against me even though I am in a conspiracy against him. You see, I planted that thought in his noggin to shoot some fruit in his backyard to prove Vince Foster was murdered.

Karl Rove has plotted against me, but he�s plotted against everyone. He�s even plotted against himself.

All of those tabloid magazines are against me, because I can�t avoid them at the grocery checkout. They make me want to care about Britney, Angelina, and TomKat, when all I want to do is care about the world and national events, and music, and books, and first and foremost my family and friends � oh, and my job � and sports.

PBS and NPR have to fight and scrap for funding because of the forces aligned against me.

I�m against me because I can�t purge things out of my head.

Of course, you know the cats are working against me. They�re working against us all.

I know that Dale Gribble isn�t a real person, but still, he�s working against me � him and his paranoid views and his extermination business.

You see, I�m not crazy.

But they�re going to drive me crazy.

So, if I wake up tomorrow and I�m a monstrous verminous bug, don�t blame me.

Blame Kafka, because it�s his fault for writing Metamorphosis in the first place, and then everyone else listed above, because it�s THEIR fault.

Damnit!

 

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