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3:32 p.m. - November 24, 2006
Torgo's Bed And Breakfast
Preface: Of all of the bad movies lampooned by the great show Mystery Science Theater 3000, one of the worst they ever did was ”Manos” The Hands Of Fate. This movie was made by an El Paso fertilizer salesman (insert joke here) and it was downright awful in every phase.

The only real memorable character in the movie is Torgo, who is supposed to be (I think) a man-goat servant. Well, he’s at least a servant. And he’s memorable, but maybe for not all of the right reasons.

Anyway, Torgo is allegedly killed by having two women wave their hands in his face, and then he gets his hand burned off by ‘The Master’. However, you just see Torgo running with his arm on fire (if you call his gait a run) and don’t actually see his demise.

So this is what happened to Torgo. Years later, he resurfaces, running his own bed and breakfast….


Hello, and welcome to Torgo’s Country Inn…my name is Torgo and I run the place. I guess you could say I’m the master now, heh, heh, heh…

Let me have one of the helpers get your bags, and let’s take a tour of the place. Come here, Janice. Janice, get the bags and bring them up to the Sunflower room.

Yes, all of our employees wear that same uniform in the summer. It gets humid around here…so I thought the sheer white robe…would help them keep cool. There’s one in your room for you too, ma’am, for you to take home. One size fits…all.

I don’t like to climb the stairs. As you can see…I’ve got some issues with my legs. No…it’s not a war injury. They were just unusually formed when I was born. But that’s OK…I can move around and get the job done, but that’s why I have the girls helping me out.

Down Mandrake! Down…sorry, the dog gets a bit…excited when there are new people around. Yes, he looks mean but that means we don’t have…a crime problem.

So…this house was built in 1829 and has four rooms we rent out, plus the place where the master stays…oh…I guess that’s me. We have a large kitchen, a dining room, and the great room with a nice fireplace…perfect for late nights with a glass of wine and your sweetie. I’m sure you too will take…advantage of that.

Let’s take a walk around the grounds. We’ve got a nice pond here, and there are plenty of trails through the woods. Also…there’s a hummingbird feeder, and some wildflowers over here. Nice…

Oh, let’s take a walk on that trail there…

How did I wind up with this place? Well, it’s a long story, but I don’t walk too fast…so I can tell it.

I used to take care of a place out in the desert for ‘The Master’ as I like to say, and he was a hard man to please. He had an unusual… lifestyle let’s just say. No, he wasn’t gay…just unusual. He had a lot of women…and he would let me have any.

But I had an accident…this is an artificial hand…they do wonders with prosthetics now. And I left the master. I couldn’t take it anymore…it wasn’t a good environment. There was this teenage couple always making out in their car and the sheriff would have to chase them away…I just had to run.

So I kicked around El Paso for a while after I got my hand looked at. Fortunately…someone took pity on me and got me a new hand. I did odd jobs for him but then decided to go out on my own…I went to the west coast and did a little bit of everything. But nothing…nothing satisfied me.

After another unpleasant temp job…I think I was the only temp in LA that wasn’t a rock star or…an actor…I took a long look at myself in the mirror.

“Torgo,” I said to myself, “you…you were at your best when you were taking care of the place. The master was always away and you…made sure it ran well. Sure…there were issues but I bet you could make a go out of it.” So I went east, found this place on the market…did some renovations and…here I am.

Ah, isn’t this a nice place. Yes, it does kind of look like Stonehenge, a bit. It’s…an old altar I think. Some…ancient people had rituals here…I think.

Anyway…you’re here for how long?? Good…good…well every day we have tea at four. On Tuesdays, we have a wine tasting with a local vineyard’s wine. It’s good…stuff. Then at midnight on Wednesdays, the help and I all come out here to the altar. It’s our way…of expressing our thanks to the people who were here before us. Ma’am you are welcome to come to… In fact, I insist. Just wear that robe…

Ma’am…sir….wait….come back…come back!

Dang it, Torgo…don’t mention the sacrifice until AFTER they pay their deposit…


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