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10:11 a.m. - September 04, 2006
Meet The Hell O'Kitties!
You know, there is NOTHING more boring or inane than listening to someone else blather on about their fantasy football league team.

Oh, I did last year, and sure, why not this year too, eh?

But the league has changed. Because of job situations, two of the owners (actually three) have moved out of Indiana, so five of the 12 owners are out of state. Thanks to technology, we can draft online, so Thursday night, that’s what I did.

(Note: I am also in three other leagues – but those are for fun. This is the only one that I play for money, and it’s a pittance at $20 to boot. That reminds me, I need to send the Jackson to South Carolina toot sweet.)

So, we get on the software and I notice it’s the same but different. In these drafts, you banter with each other, make fun of everyone’s picks, drink beverages, and generally have a good time.

Thursday night, there was the bantering and all that, but it was distant, since it was done all electronically. It was fun, but it was also a bit cold and distant, and sometimes, the draft software had a mind of its own. The M5 of fantasy football, as it were. (“M5 has decided you need to draft a tight end now. Abort other draft pick.”)

Of course, the first thing I had to do was come up with a name for my team. Last year, I was the Alamogordo Mutants, but I wanted a change. The rule is that we have to name our team after an actual location here on planet Earth. For a while, my team was based in Smedley, Indiana. Later, I moved it to Destruction Bay, Yukon. Last year Alamogordo, but I was thinking of what to name it this year when I looked at the nightgown Katie was wearing.

Perfect! There is a town with the name I need in Michigan, and I can do something clever with the nickname.

So this year, I am the Hell O’Kitties.

So who are on the Kitties? Well, let me tells ya! It’s a darn good team!

QBs – Drew Brees (NO), Byron Leftwich (JAX), John Kitna (DET) – I think Brees will bounce back after his injury at the end of last season, so he was one of my three keepers. I think Leftwich has some easy games where he can shine. As for Kitna, well, someone has to be the quarterback in Detroit. If not him, who?

RB – Edgerrin James (ARI), LaDanian Tomlinson (SD), Samkon Gado (GB), Jerious Norwood (ATL) – James and Tomlinson were my other keepers. Even though James has moved to Arizona, he’s still going to pile up stats. Tomlinson is God-like. I would gladly bear his children! Norwood is my sleeper pick, as I think he’s going to do well in Atlanta. As for Gado, I always wanted to draft someone named Samkon. He sounds like he’s the name of a leader of an alien tribe on Star Trek. (“Samkon – this is James T. Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise of the United Federation of Planets.” “Samkon CHOP!”)

(Can you tell I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek recently?)

WR – Chris Chambers (MIA), Plaxico Burress (NYG), Keyshawn Johnson (CAR), Ernest Wilford (JAX) – I did grab one of Leftwich’s receivers, so depending on whom I start at QB I can have the desirable QB / WR combo. As for the others, they are all serviceable professional receivers, suitable for normal fantasy football use. See your dealer for other warranty provisions.

TE – Alge Crumpler (ATL), Alex Smith (TB) – I think I got two of the best TEs going around the league. Yes, you can only play one tight end at a time, but this is what’s known as “cornering the market” – where I may be able to trade one of something useful. Like a shiny new nickel, you know - the ones with Jefferson’s oversized head.

K – David Akers (PHI), Jay Feely (NYG) – Akers was the subject of the dispute that almost broke up the league, because of a rotten phone connection back when we had to draft via speakerphone if someone wasn’t able to make it. There were knives drawn, expletives muttered and I think someone called someone a Saracen pig. So every time Akers is drafted, there’s a big hoo-hah and retelling of that. As for Feely, he’s going to have a busy day, busy day. Oh, wait that’s MC Feely. Sorry.

DEF – Jacksonville, Buffalo. I really like the Jacksonville defense and think they will do well, except when they play the Colts. As for Buffalo’s defense, you always need a backup, just in case. The rules state you must have an active defense when Jacksonville has its bye week. I guess they will do.

Where, there you have it – your Hell O’Kitties. Tickets on sale now! Get them while they last! Heh….


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