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9:13 a.m. - August 24, 2006
Things I Won't Do On Saturday
Saturday will be “Liz’s day”, where she is going to go and be on her own for an entire day and come home after the kidlets are put to bed.

I don’t know exactly what she will be doing, but I think some of the plan involves a movie, some Starbucks, shopping and other girly things. That means I will be taking care of Katie and Kristin on my own for an entire day.

Now, wait, don’t you all make plans to come “help” me out, despite of what you remember, it wasn’t a disaster when I took care of Katie for a few days on my own. I can definitely manage both of them.

I think it will be a fun daddy and daughter day. I think a trip to the library is on the docket, and possibly a playground (depending on the weather – it’s supposed to either be hot and / or thunderstormy). I’ll probably go to the grocery store to get something to bake with Katie, and make sure Kristin is very well napped, fed, read to and changed.

But I know exactly what I will not do on Saturday. In fact, I’ve made a list:

• I will not teach Katie the words to the song “Orphans” by Teenage Jesus and the Jerks, with the express intent of her singing it at pre-school. Somehow, I don’t think a song about running in the bloody snow is what they’re going for in the curriculum.

• I will not experiment with plutonium. Well, at least not without encasing the girls in lead. Oh, but then I have to be sure that Kristin doesn’t eat the lead. So, I guess my plutonium research is off this weekend. Sorry, Dr. Evil.

• I will not invite the local meth cooker to set up shop in my basement.

• I will not drive with the girls to the Oriental Massage place in Danville, Illinois, even though with the ad from Nuvo it’s $10 off a one hour massage.

• I will not encourage Katie to perform moves from the Ultimate Fighting Championship on her sister.

• I will not teach Kristin curse words. I think she needs to be at least two for those.

• I will not turn on the Spice Channel while the girls are awake.

• I will not allow a pyromaniac to juggle torches in the house.

• I will not teach Katie how to belch the alphabet.

• I will not teach Katie the proper techniques for drunken dialing, including the phrase: “NO! I’m not drunk. I was just thinking about you, that’s all…”

• I will not watch the Chicago Cubs with the girls. Their childhood is supposed to be a happy time, with fond memories, and I don’t need them to see pain, suffering, anguish, angst and enough bad baseball to lead a man to John Barleycorn.

• I will not allow my daughters to listen to Emerson, Lake and Palmer. Well, except for “Lucky Man”.

• I will not eat green eggs and ham. I will not listen to Samhain. Or Danzig, for that matter.

• I will not answer Katie’s questions on life with an indifferent grunt or fart.

• I will not fail to change Kristin’s diaper.

• I will not read the “Casual Encounters” page from Craigslist out loud to the girls, especially not the ones from Chicago, New York, or San Francisco.

• I will not teach Katie the split-fingered fastball. Her arm is still developing and learning that pitch could lead to elbow troubles, and then she’d have to have a ligament transplant before the age of 10.

• I will not allow the girls to watch “The O’Reilly Factor” or “Hannity and Colmes”. Heck, Fox News is going on the restricted list.

• I will not get in the car, and tell the girls that “we’re going to see how fast daddy can get to Iowa and back.”

• I will not plop the girls in front of “Go, Diego, Go” while I call my “special” 1-900 number.

• I will not try to domesticate a wombat.

See, I know what I’m doing here!


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