9:13 a.m. - August 24, 2006
Things I Won't Do On Saturday
Saturday will be �Liz�s day�, where she is going to go and be on her own for an entire day and come home after the kidlets are put to bed.
I don�t know exactly what she will be doing, but I think some of the plan involves a movie, some Starbucks, shopping and other girly things. That means I will be taking care of Katie and Kristin on my own for an entire day.
Now, wait, don�t you all make plans to come �help� me out, despite of what you remember, it wasn�t a disaster when I took care of Katie for a few days on my own. I can definitely manage both of them.
I think it will be a fun daddy and daughter day. I think a trip to the library is on the docket, and possibly a playground (depending on the weather � it�s supposed to either be hot and / or thunderstormy). I�ll probably go to the grocery store to get something to bake with Katie, and make sure Kristin is very well napped, fed, read to and changed.
But I know exactly what I will not do on Saturday. In fact, I�ve made a list:
� I will not teach Katie the words to the song �Orphans� by Teenage Jesus and the Jerks, with the express intent of her singing it at pre-school. Somehow, I don�t think a song about running in the bloody snow is what they�re going for in the curriculum.
� I will not experiment with plutonium. Well, at least not without encasing the girls in lead. Oh, but then I have to be sure that Kristin doesn�t eat the lead. So, I guess my plutonium research is off this weekend. Sorry, Dr. Evil.
� I will not invite the local meth cooker to set up shop in my basement.
� I will not drive with the girls to the Oriental Massage place in Danville, Illinois, even though with the ad from Nuvo it�s $10 off a one hour massage.
� I will not encourage Katie to perform moves from the Ultimate Fighting Championship on her sister.
� I will not teach Kristin curse words. I think she needs to be at least two for those.
� I will not turn on the Spice Channel while the girls are awake.
� I will not allow a pyromaniac to juggle torches in the house.
� I will not teach Katie how to belch the alphabet.
� I will not teach Katie the proper techniques for drunken dialing, including the phrase: �NO! I�m not drunk. I was just thinking about you, that�s all��
� I will not watch the Chicago Cubs with the girls. Their childhood is supposed to be a happy time, with fond memories, and I don�t need them to see pain, suffering, anguish, angst and enough bad baseball to lead a man to John Barleycorn.
� I will not allow my daughters to listen to Emerson, Lake and Palmer. Well, except for �Lucky Man�.
� I will not eat green eggs and ham. I will not listen to Samhain. Or Danzig, for that matter.
� I will not answer Katie�s questions on life with an indifferent grunt or fart.
� I will not fail to change Kristin�s diaper.
� I will not read the �Casual Encounters� page from Craigslist out loud to the girls, especially not the ones from Chicago, New York, or San Francisco.
� I will not teach Katie the split-fingered fastball. Her arm is still developing and learning that pitch could lead to elbow troubles, and then she�d have to have a ligament transplant before the age of 10.
� I will not allow the girls to watch �The O�Reilly Factor� or �Hannity and Colmes�. Heck, Fox News is going on the restricted list.
� I will not get in the car, and tell the girls that �we�re going to see how fast daddy can get to Iowa and back.�
� I will not plop the girls in front of �Go, Diego, Go� while I call my �special� 1-900 number.
� I will not try to domesticate a wombat.
See, I know what I�m doing here!
