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1:36 p.m. - August 09, 2006
I AM The General Manager!
Hey there, how are you doing, and welcome to the Comfort Suites. Iím the general manager and Iím here to make sure that everything is OK.

I see you are staying for four nights, good good. You know about the free continental breakfast in the morning and the pool, right? This is our business center. Yes, itís just two computers crammed in between the front desk and the wall, and the sun beats down and blinds you between five and seven in the evening, and if you are sitting at the far computer you canít get out unless someone sitting in the near seat moves out of the way, and yes we have a couple of teenagers that spend six hours a day on the computer looking up gang dances on YouTube, Goth sites, or sites about the Rapture and Bible Prophecy. Hey, look, theyíre bookmarked! Anyway, here it is, and itís free.

Oh, you want a luggage cart? Well, we have just two and one is being used by that gentleman with his two bags. Yes, I know he and his 14 year old son are healthy looking and they have just three bags and a backpack. But you know, itís hot out there. Heíll be done in five minutes so you can take your pile of luggage up to your room.

The elevators are through that door.


Hey, good morning! The free breakfast is over there in that room, and we have plenty of coffee. I am the general manager, and Iím here to make sure everything is OK. We have plenty of USA Todays for you and the TV is on as well.

Youíre going to have to microwave the waffles. Manuel makes them at 5:30 and they are just sitting there. The butter and cream cheese are just fresh out of the refrigerator, stored right next to the freezer compartment. Oh, and we just have plastic knives and forks. I hope they donít break.


Hello again! Hope you are having a great day! Iím the general manager and Iím still here in the afternoon. Donít mind our afternoon clerk. He may have short blond hair and menacing, white power-esque tattoos, but Karl is a good guy. Just donít step on his Doc Martens, hah hah!


Good morning again! The breakfast is right over there. You say the maid didnít leave you any decaf coffee packets in your room? OK, Iíll get a couple for you. Yes, Iím here again this morning, because Iím the general manager and even though itís Saturday, Iím here to make sure your stay here is the best it can be.


Hello again! Are you having a good day? Looks like you have quite a load you are carrying with some groceries and your baby. If thereís anything you need, let me know.


Hello again! Are you having a good day? Yes, I know I just greeted you five minutes ago. Sorry, Iím on auto general manager mode. What can I do for you? Oh, youíre just walking out to you car. Well, have a great day!


Good morning! Yes, itís Sunday and Iím here again, the General Manager of the Comfort Suites. I hope you are having a great morning. Do you know where the breakfast is? Hereís some free coffee right there. Do you need change for the newspaper machines?


Good morning, I hope you are having a great morning. Oh, you were just here for breakfast and the maid didnít leave any decaf in your room again. Here are a couple of packages and today, Iíll make sure she leaves 3 extra packages of decaf in your room, just in case.


Hey, good evening! Did you have a good Sunday? Oh, sorry about your mother, maíam. Anyway, Iím the general manager and just making sure everything is great with your stay here. If you need anything, just let me know!


Good morning! The breakfast is over in that room. Have you checked out our business center yet? The computers are free to use. Donít mind the one on the left. It is high speed, but we donít have the budget to replace that Compaq from 2000 yet. But, you know, the rooms here are a great rate for the off-season. Anyway, enjoy the breakfast and if you need anything, let me know!


Good morning. Checking out? Sorry it took five minutes to get up here. I was back there attending to my duties here as general manager! Looks like everything is in order. No, I donít know where the luggage carts are, sorry.

Yes, I realize that Iíve always been here. My life is the Comfort Suites, and I am the general manager! I take pride in my hotel. The breakfast is free, the coffee is free, the computers are free. We have a pool. The maids actually clean your room between 9 AM and 3 PM. But my life is here. I even have a room here. The maids donít clean it though. I donít want them to see the empty pizza boxes and half drank bottles of vodka and gin strewn about, or my dirty underwear. I need to get some limes and some tonic, by the way. You didnít leave anything in your refrigerator, did you? Sometimes thatís what I eat for dinner is what people have left in their refrigerator after they checked out. I do my laundry up in the guest laundry at 3 AM Ė yes I am on duty them. Iím always on duty. I try, I really try. I AM the general manager here, damnit! This is MY Comfort Suites. This is MY life. The blue key cards are my talisman.

Kill me now.


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