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2:37 p.m. - April 12, 2006
Vote For Smed!
It’s getting close to primary election time here in the heartland.

There are signs dotting the lawns.

There are billboards up all over touting candidates for this, that and the other. (At least, this year, none of them are misspelling anything. In 2002, one candidate for county commissioner misspelled “Independent” on his billboard for almost a month, and he STILL WON! Only in BFE-land, people.)

The primaries around her are rather slow. No one is really opposed in the school board elections (which hold their actual election during the primary season) and the only races of real note are the Republican State Senate race to replace a 214-term state senator (oh, it seems that way) and a couple of Democrats fighting to lose to the GOP in the US House race.

(I kid you not, the way they gerrymandered this district, the GOP candidate could win even if he killed an entire family of four with his bare hands. He could just claim they were pinko liberals.)

As with many races, the incumbents have a distinct advantage. (Well, unless your hand has been caught in the cookie jar and your entire staff are turning tail on you and your unscrupulous money laundering butt, right Mr. DeLay?) So there is not much suspense or drama or anything. There’s no real debate or discourse at all.

In fact, there’s little serious debate or discourse going on in this country, period, with all of the shrieking harpies on TV from both sides. They never listen; they just talk and talk and talk and talk…

Well, I guess it could be worse. Nancy Grace could be a political commentator and not a legal commentator. She almost makes Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly tolerable, and almost makes Chris Matthews seem mellow. Almost. (And please, the evil Nancy Grace stare can turn you to stone, so avert your eyes).

There’s a lot of talk about how the GOP is vulnerable in this mid-term election, and they certainly are. But there are a scant number of seats that need to flip in order for the balance to shift from one side to the other, which means most of the country will be stuck with the same schlubs they have now, with little or no oppositions except for extreme wing-nuts on either side of the aisle. You know, people who think Ted Kennedy is too conservative, or Sam Brownback holds too liberal of views.

Anyway, what to do about this?

Well, I have a solution.

Vote for Smed!

That’s right – vote for me.

I think every state has a write in option on their ballots.

Well, when you exercise your civic duty, either in a primary or the next general election, and there’s a race that you don’t like either candidate, then write me in!

Don’t like the state senator, and he’s unopposed? Vote for Smed!

The city councilman is a doofus, and his opponent is the definition of slack jawed yokel? Vote for Smed!

The governor of your state is a gaseous windbag, and his opponent makes Duke Cunningham look clean? Vote for Smed!

If elected, I will serve, if I can. Sure, why not?

I can do just as good of a job as those clowns right now, right, without all of the nasty lobbying money!

I won’t need a campaign budget, or a campaign staff, so I won’t be beholden to anyone except the voters who put me into office. So vote for Smed!

I can even do my own Donald Rumsfeld-eque news conference:

“Why should you vote for me? Why shouldn’t you. I think we all need a fresh start for someone who holds this office, and I’m just the man to do it.”

“What are my positions on the issues? Where do I stand? Well, I stand right here, in an upright position! Seriously, I think my plans have been made pretty clear. Vote for Smed and I’ll listen to you.”

“Can I win the election with this massive zit on my face? Yes! Will I win the election if it comes back? I think the voters are smart enough to see through that.”

“How well can I serve this constituency? I will put my entire effort into serving you all the best I can, in the fairest way possible. And I will save YOU money. How can I save you money? Just watch me! I’ll do it.”

See, it’s just that simple.

So whenever you’re in the voting booth the next time, and agonizing over the jerk or schlep to vote for, then just ask for a write-in ballot and vote for Smed!

How can you go wrong?


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