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9:48 a.m. - March 24, 2006
The Actual 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover
Yesterday was supposed to be Katie’s soccer debut. However, with the lingering snow and the mud that resulted in the snow, the game was cancelled. However, since that’s not part of the ‘routine’ yet, then no harm no foul. We knew soccer would be cancelled and we never really mentioned it.

Unlike on Tuesday, when dance class was scheduled it was a minor crisis. Katie had a solution, as always. She told Liz to call Miss Deborah and tell everyone to get behind our car, since we could drive in the snow, and that way everyone could get to dance class.

Ah, well, a creative mind she has.

So that means that instead of regaling all of you with tales of the first ever soccer game, and how Smed acts as a sports parent, my mind wandered to other things.

Sometimes it just goes in odd places, like now. It also means I really got nothin’ right now. Well, I got a little somethin’ going on, but it’s still percolating.

And then I decided to finish a long simmering project that I’ve been toying with for a while, and well, unleash it on the masses. No time like the present to embarrass ones self, I guess, in a creative manner. So here goes:

Most everyone knows the song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”. Well, as you know that is incomplete, as Paul Simon listed only FIVE ways, and one of them is “You don’t need to be coy, Roy”, which is no action, really, at all. You can’t LEAVE your lover like that.

What you need to have are actions that either directly or indirectly would cause you and your lover to bolt, amscray, get gone, get thee hence.

So, why not, let’s fill them in.

I got some suggestions from Zon, Veralynn, and Kellbelle (currently locked), and here they are.

I guess you can call this a preliminary list of 50 actual ways to leave your lover.

Gotta be vicious, Aloysius
Stop being randy, Andy
Tell her who you killed, Bill
Act like a snob, Bob
Track in a lot of mud,Bud
Act like a cad, Chad
Steal her Harley, Charlie
Be totally flip, Chip
Mince like a priss, Chris
Rip her off for 1000 bucks, Chuck
Be a big fraud, Claude
Wreck her minivan, Dan
Act like a jerk, Dirk
Pee all over her rug, Doug
Just be rude, Dude
Act like a squirrell, Earl
Get her all annoyed, Floyd
Take her mother to bed, Fred
Go on the lam, Graham
Act like a pissant, Grant
Hop on the bus, Gus
Kick her to the curb, Herb
Slip out the back, Jack
Throw up on her socks, Jacques
Lie like a snake, Jake
Call her a 'ho', Joe
Say you're an ex-con, John
Say she won't go to heaven, Kevin
Drop off the key, Lee
Take things like a theif, Leif
Kiss her cousin at her party, Marty
Tell her she's fat, Matt
Be a big prick, Mick
Tell her someone else you like, Mike
Take away her pills, Phil
Stop having sex, Rex
Drive her car into a ditch, Rich
Try and dodge her, Roger
Tell her she's not hot, Scott
Just get gone, Shawn
Take her cell phone, Sloan
Make a new plan,Stan
Just leave, Steve
Say she's screwy in the head, Ted
Say she looks scary, Terry
Make fun of her bod, Todd
Take her sister to prom, Tom
Poison her pony, Tony
Be in love with Prince, Vince
Bring things to a halt, Walt

Yes, it includes the actual four ways to leave your lover Mr. Simon, as we needed to use that as a base. However, I think the other 46 that I and others came up with work just as well.

Of course, if Paul put those in the song, then it’d be almost as long as “American Pie”, and would we really want that? Seriously.


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