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12:02 a.m. - February 11, 2006
My People Will Talk To Your People!
At the grocery store, you can’t help but be assaulted at the checkout line by all of those celebrity magazines that have ‘exclusive’ stories. You know:

“Angelina Kicks Out Brad!”
“How Vince Is Helping Jennifer Through The Pain!”
“Jessica: Moving On Without Nick!”
“Space Alien Eats World’s Largest Baby!”

It got me to thinking (here he goes again) about why is it that celebrities remain dateless for about 10 seconds, while the rest of the normal folks sometimes go weeks and months without dates.

(Mind you, I haven’t had this issue for over 13 years, thankfully, but I still remember those days).

I know celebrities tend to be hot – and face it a lot of times the hotties don’t go dateless. Yet, though, even I could score dates with a hottie or two, and mind you I’m not exactly a Prince (Charming, Valiant or just Prince…though I know the words to DMSR. Does that count?)

So I think there is a different reason than just hotness.

They have people.

Yes, I know us normal folks have great networks of friends and relatives, both live and on the ‘net, who are looking out for us and would always try to set you up with someone. That’s how I met Liz, we were set up by my roommate at the time (she worked with Liz – yes I had a female roommate – yes I had dated her before but we became platonic – yes I know it’s sitcom material – and yes I need to work out a treatment for NBC). I had blind dates through personal ads and also some set ups that didn’t take, but I wasn’t afraid to jump back into the breach.

But we don’t have ‘people’.

They have the ‘people’ to set these things up.

You know, there is no way that Vince Vaughn happened to call Jennifer Aniston and ask her out like we did in high school. Remember that time? You really like this girl, and you’d go look up the phone number of the girl in the phone book, and hopefully pick the right one and call her up. Alas, but the girl actually lives with her mom who remarried, and you just reached the drunken dad who is still bitter and vengeful at the mother so he doesn’t help you at all, really, except scaring you to death about marriage. Meanwhile the stepdad has a name like ‘Jones’ or ‘Smith’ so you wade through about a dozen until finally you give up and call your ‘safety girl’ for the prom, and then the next day this babe asks YOU to the prom but you already asked someone else so it’s too late and then your safety girl tells you at the after prom that they’ll be no tomfoolery because she’s dating someone else and just wanted to go to a prom this year while the hottie who asked you the day after you asked your safety girl and had to settle for some schlep turn is having the time of her life and on her fifth beer and has that look in her eye that says the schlep is going to ride the pony tonight whilst you go shake hands with Mr. Lonely…

Oh…sorry. I got carried away. Anyway, it’s nothing like that.

I’m sure Vince’s people got Jennifer’s people first and they negotiated the time and place for the date, and I’m sure the people were in said time and place to ensure that all went well and that the press and paparazzi were there even if they are ‘shocked’ by the publicity that they went out and had dinner together.

And by gosh, if they actually liked each other, or tolerated each other, then that’s a bonus.

I mean, look at Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. How on God’s green earth did they get together? Well, Tom’s people called Katie’s people and administered a lot of personality tests and what not. Katie’s people, and then Katie herself, were soon assimilated into the Borg…er…Scientology. I didn’t say that, did I? Don’t come looking for me, Elron’s Spawn People. I’m poor!)

So it’s the people that make the difference, ensuring that all celebrities do not have dateless weekends, unless said celebrity just wants to hang out with the guys / girls, and of course, the press will be there or at least a fuzzy security cam. (Sometimes it's all the way there, like Kylie Minogue’s sister in the strip joint. Yowza!)

That leads us to this question – how can you, the general date-needy public, get the people you need to help you get off the dating schneid?

Well, we need to form a collective. We can be each others people!

Us married folks can be the worker bees behind the scenes. Since we’re in happy, healthy relationships (or at least put on a good front for the neighbors) we can do the dirty work, making sure that all the paths are cleared, and that all obstacles are removed. We can see clearly now for the single folks – leading them to a bright, bright sunshiny day of dating.

The single folks can not only utilize the services of the ‘people’ but also form a network to talk about their dates with the folks we set them up with, and this communication can only help in weeding out the scuzzballs. Those folks can go form their own networks with their own people. That way, even if the scuzzballs are with the scuzzballs, then everyone has a chance for a date?

You think this will work? Sure it may take a few dozen years to get the entire infrastructure in place, then we can go beta and test it in certain cities (smaller ones like Oklahoma City or Schenectady, for instance) and rural areas, then go live. So by, say, 2030 this network should all be in place.

So let’s be everyone’s people folks! It’s the only way to get ahead, and beat the celebrities at their own dating game! In no time at all you can have as many boyfriends as Lindsey Lohan! Now isn’t that a goal to aim for???


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