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10:04 a.m. - January 25, 2006
Rockin' The Specs 24-7-365!
There has been a rash of spec pics on the ‘net recently.

Well, Ok, from Dandy.

And from Barista.

Of course, Moo frequently rocks the specs.

As you know, gentle reader, I am also visually challenged.

To wit:

But I started thinking about eyesight – both in a historical context (zzzzz….) and how it applies to my life (because it’s all about me, you see.)

Just to let you know how blind I actually am, I am sitting at my desk, right now, and the computer is the normal distance away that a computer. I am approximately 36 inches away from the monitor, and I’m taking off my glasses….now….

It’s all blurry.

Is there an optometrist in the house? I have the card with my current prescription for glasses, and it reads:

O.D. Sphere -500, Cylinder -150, Axis 048
O.S. Sphere -250, Cylinder -300, Axis 147

Does that mean I’m blind as?

A. A bat?
B. A sightless orangutan?
C. Mr. Magoo?
D. A myopic cavefish?

In second grade, I had trouble learning to write in cursive. Some of it was compounded by a broken hand I received in a tragic accident whilst playing ‘rundown’ (that’s a game where one person is caught between bases and the other two are throwing the ball back and forth to try to tag the runner out), but even before then I couldn’t get the knack of writing in cursive.

This went on until my Mom drug me to an eye doctor, and…

I couldn’t see very well. So on my ninth birthday, I got my first pair of glasses.

I had wicked bad astigmatism as a kid. (Wait, wicked bad? Since when did you move to Boston? Have you been calling City Mouse again? I digress…) So much so that contact lenses were right out, for the most part. So whilst going through acne, orthodonture, and all of the normal angst and pains as a teenager, I also had geekboy glasses. They were thick and clumsy because I was pert near blind.

I mean, I TRIED to be trendy and hip with my specs. Sometimes I got them tinted (you know, to be cool). I always had them smooth the edges and tried to get the latest in frames that you could get here in BFE Indiana.

Oh, I did try contact lenses for about six months. I had to wear hard lenses, and all I got from those six months was one scratched cornea (when a piece of dust got underneath one and oh, the pain…) and a realization that I do not like sticking things in my eyes, and will not do that again.

So, it was glasses for me. And every year, I’d have to get a new prescription because of my astigmatism.

But now the technology of glasses makes it so that even we with mole-vision can wear stylish, lightweight, thin frames. Thank goodness!

Fortunately, my astigmatism has calmed down, and so the last few years I’ve had minor changes. I got these glasses about three years ago, and had a set of clip-on sunglasses made to fit them.

When I went to my new eye doctor this year (who I have known for years, ever since we acted in children’s theater together in junior high) – she said that I needed a slightly new prescription but I could definitely get by at 20/20 with my current lenses for another year. And since they have a policy that they don’t replace lenses for glasses they didn’t sell you, I decided to keep these another year. Oh, and thank goodness I don’t need bifocals. I dread that day.

I also love to play basketball – and used to use a pair of old glasses when I played. But I was fearful that they would break, so I went out and got a pair of prescription sports goggles to wear on the court. Sure, I look like a total mega-super-geek when I’m playing, but:

A. I’m married – so I don’t need to impress da ladies.
B. I don’t have to worry about my glasses breaking.
C. If it was good enough for Horace Grant, it was good enough for me!

Now, someone has asked whether I would consider Lasix. Well, I consider a lot of things, and I have thought of Lasix. However, I’ve been wearing glasses for over 30 years, and there are so many times where your glasses can be used as a prop to evoke what you are feeling, especially when you are being a sarcastic smart-ass - my normal modus operandi, naturally.

Of course, because my mind works like no others – I thought about how people with my condition could have survived throughout history.

In the early days of man, I probably would have been mammoth meat. With my eyesight, I couldn’t hunt to save my life, and all I could probably do was run away from this large, blurry mass that was headed my way. Oh, and I’d probably try to mate with a bear. I mean, everyone would have been so hairy – how could I have known the difference?

And there’s no way I could have been an effective soldier, either. My accuracy with a spear or arrows would be just brutal. I’d be reduced to fighting close in (and I mean really close) with a sword or a mace. And homie don’t play that.

That probably would have been the way it would have gone through most of the early years in history. It wasn’t until the 10th century that Arabs created magnifying lenses, and it wasn’t until the late 1280’s that it was written by monks that glasses had been recently invented. So up until then I would have been SOL (technical term) and reduced to a life of…well…bleakness. If I was a noble – then it would have been ‘funny’ that I would try to mate with bears. I could have been “Scott the Squinter, Thane of Cawdor” or something like that. Unless I was Welsh, then I would have had a name with 47 y’s and 39 d’s in it. (Oh, I digress again…)

For the most part, though, those glasses corrected only farsightedness. It wasn’t until the 1600’s that some smart guy thought of concave lenses, and actually studied optics, and the modern science of optometry was born, thus saving the bacon of many of us who can’t see.

Ok, history lesson over, you can wake up now.

So, as I go through life, bespectacled, I thank every deity I can think of (you gotta cover the bases, as you never know) that I can see thanks to my glasses.

And I also thank them for making them very stylish now – because I can rock the specs like no one’s business. Because Ladies Love Cool Specs.

(Editors Note: We apologize, especially to the ladies of the house (the ladies, the ladies) as Smed got a bit delusional there – he’s going through some treatment now and will be back soon!)


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