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10:04 a.m. - January 25, 2006
Rockin' The Specs 24-7-365!
There has been a rash of spec pics on the �net recently.

Well, Ok, from Dandy.

And from Barista.

Of course, Moo frequently rocks the specs.

As you know, gentle reader, I am also visually challenged.

To wit:


But I started thinking about eyesight � both in a historical context (zzzzz�.) and how it applies to my life (because it�s all about me, you see.)

Just to let you know how blind I actually am, I am sitting at my desk, right now, and the computer is the normal distance away that a computer. I am approximately 36 inches away from the monitor, and I�m taking off my glasses�.now�.

It�s all blurry.

Is there an optometrist in the house? I have the card with my current prescription for glasses, and it reads:

O.D. Sphere -500, Cylinder -150, Axis 048
O.S. Sphere -250, Cylinder -300, Axis 147

Does that mean I�m blind as?

A. A bat?
B. A sightless orangutan?
C. Mr. Magoo?
D. A myopic cavefish?


In second grade, I had trouble learning to write in cursive. Some of it was compounded by a broken hand I received in a tragic accident whilst playing �rundown� (that�s a game where one person is caught between bases and the other two are throwing the ball back and forth to try to tag the runner out), but even before then I couldn�t get the knack of writing in cursive.

This went on until my Mom drug me to an eye doctor, and�

I couldn�t see very well. So on my ninth birthday, I got my first pair of glasses.

I had wicked bad astigmatism as a kid. (Wait, wicked bad? Since when did you move to Boston? Have you been calling City Mouse again? I digress�) So much so that contact lenses were right out, for the most part. So whilst going through acne, orthodonture, and all of the normal angst and pains as a teenager, I also had geekboy glasses. They were thick and clumsy because I was pert near blind.

I mean, I TRIED to be trendy and hip with my specs. Sometimes I got them tinted (you know, to be cool). I always had them smooth the edges and tried to get the latest in frames that you could get here in BFE Indiana.

Oh, I did try contact lenses for about six months. I had to wear hard lenses, and all I got from those six months was one scratched cornea (when a piece of dust got underneath one and oh, the pain�) and a realization that I do not like sticking things in my eyes, and will not do that again.

So, it was glasses for me. And every year, I�d have to get a new prescription because of my astigmatism.

But now the technology of glasses makes it so that even we with mole-vision can wear stylish, lightweight, thin frames. Thank goodness!

Fortunately, my astigmatism has calmed down, and so the last few years I�ve had minor changes. I got these glasses about three years ago, and had a set of clip-on sunglasses made to fit them.

When I went to my new eye doctor this year (who I have known for years, ever since we acted in children�s theater together in junior high) � she said that I needed a slightly new prescription but I could definitely get by at 20/20 with my current lenses for another year. And since they have a policy that they don�t replace lenses for glasses they didn�t sell you, I decided to keep these another year. Oh, and thank goodness I don�t need bifocals. I dread that day.

I also love to play basketball � and used to use a pair of old glasses when I played. But I was fearful that they would break, so I went out and got a pair of prescription sports goggles to wear on the court. Sure, I look like a total mega-super-geek when I�m playing, but:

A. I�m married � so I don�t need to impress da ladies.
B. I don�t have to worry about my glasses breaking.
C. If it was good enough for Horace Grant, it was good enough for me!

Now, someone has asked whether I would consider Lasix. Well, I consider a lot of things, and I have thought of Lasix. However, I�ve been wearing glasses for over 30 years, and there are so many times where your glasses can be used as a prop to evoke what you are feeling, especially when you are being a sarcastic smart-ass - my normal modus operandi, naturally.

Of course, because my mind works like no others � I thought about how people with my condition could have survived throughout history.

In the early days of man, I probably would have been mammoth meat. With my eyesight, I couldn�t hunt to save my life, and all I could probably do was run away from this large, blurry mass that was headed my way. Oh, and I�d probably try to mate with a bear. I mean, everyone would have been so hairy � how could I have known the difference?

And there�s no way I could have been an effective soldier, either. My accuracy with a spear or arrows would be just brutal. I�d be reduced to fighting close in (and I mean really close) with a sword or a mace. And homie don�t play that.

That probably would have been the way it would have gone through most of the early years in history. It wasn�t until the 10th century that Arabs created magnifying lenses, and it wasn�t until the late 1280�s that it was written by monks that glasses had been recently invented. So up until then I would have been SOL (technical term) and reduced to a life of�well�bleakness. If I was a noble � then it would have been �funny� that I would try to mate with bears. I could have been �Scott the Squinter, Thane of Cawdor� or something like that. Unless I was Welsh, then I would have had a name with 47 y�s and 39 d�s in it. (Oh, I digress again�)

For the most part, though, those glasses corrected only farsightedness. It wasn�t until the 1600�s that some smart guy thought of concave lenses, and actually studied optics, and the modern science of optometry was born, thus saving the bacon of many of us who can�t see.

Ok, history lesson over, you can wake up now.

So, as I go through life, bespectacled, I thank every deity I can think of (you gotta cover the bases, as you never know) that I can see thanks to my glasses.

And I also thank them for making them very stylish now � because I can rock the specs like no one�s business. Because Ladies Love Cool Specs.

(Editors Note: We apologize, especially to the ladies of the house (the ladies, the ladies) as Smed got a bit delusional there � he�s going through some treatment now and will be back soon!)

 

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