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4:05 p.m. - January 23, 2006
I Gots Mail
Letters, I get letters.

Well, I do, and sometimes the letters are just in my mind. Anyway, here’s some mail from the mailbag:


You know that show “Battlestar Galactica”? Well, it’s not science fiction, at all. There are Cylons amongst us, right now! I’m living proof.

Dick Cheney


You naïve Americans! Do you even realize that right on top of you, there’s going to be a massive change in government today? I know our election hasn’t been a priority for you all. Lord knows Angelina Jolie’s baby takes precedence over world events. Anyway, there was some definite mud being slung, as the Conservatives called the Liberals “People who didn’t quite do a good enough job, eh?” and Liberals responded, “Well, we’d like to see you do better, eh?” It was pretty intense.

Anyway, I think the Conservatives won, which actually means the Canadian government will now be a little to the right of Ted Kennedy, instead of left of Ted Kennedy.

Yours truly (and we mean that, of course),

PS – Senators all the way!
PPS – Ever since Coors bought Molson, the beer has been watery up here. Geez, you Americans ruin everything for us.


I just wanted you to know that in the summer of 1987, you really blew it. I remember one night, I practically drug you back into the bedroom but you must have been sheepish or something because you didn’t pick up on the signal at all, and then to top it all off you start dating someone else?? Then later, you ask me out again and I’m ready for something and your idiot friend comes by, and then my Mom smells beer on my breath and that’s the end of that.

All I’m saying is that it could have been a fun, intense two to three months. Oh, sure, when I went back to Rhodes I probably would have written or called a couple of times until I started dating someone down there, and then during Christmas we may have had one or two awkward dates. By Spring Break 1988, we probably would just mumble hellos. But still, you blew it.

Invading your dreams for a while,


My show’s been cancelled? Is it too late to take off my clothes again, or has that train already left the station.

Anyone interested in The Adventures of Rollergirl?
Heather Graham


Ok, I can confess now. I actually had a dime on the Steelers to win outright at good odds, along with the 50 large on them to cover. There, I feel better.

Buying a private island,
Mike Vanderjagt


You know, I’ve spent about 10 years or so working on my new album. I mean, every note on this thing is going to be perfect. I’ve toiled and sweated over countless versions, and I’ve tried to be sure that each song is the ultimate in rock and roll.

Yet I see this clown Tommy Lee running around, and he’s more famous now than he was when he was in Motley Crue back in their heyday. I mean, does anyone care about how good or bad their latest album sounded, or about his solo record? Geez, but when I release “Chinese Democracy” everyone is going to scrutinize every note.

I guess I should have married a pseudo-tarty Baywatch star and had sex with her on camera, then leaked the tape to the internet. Maybe it’s not too late. Is Yasmine Bleeth available?

Hoping people remember me,
W. Axl Rose


I’m sorry I’m not as warm and cuddly as my predecessor. I’ll try to do better. Perhaps I can bless some mimes, since John Paul blessed some breakdancers. Would that work?

His holiness,
Pope Benedict XVI

PS – I have an old-school Pope name, though! Take that, JP II!
PPS – I have absolved the writer of this bit from any sin, already. Trust me. I’ve got a hotline.


Vrooom vroom! Vrooooom! Vroooom! Vrooom! Vrooooooom! Vroooom!


Vroom, vroom, vrooooom! Vrooooom!

Cletus E. Boyd, NASCAR Fan


My fellow Americans,

I just would like to issue an executive order that states we, The United States of America, can dance when we want to and leave your friends behind. Because our friends can dance and if they don’t dance, then they’re no friends of ours.

I would also like to add that if you ain’t going to get it on, take your dead ass home.

That goes double for you, France. Get on the floor or get out the door.

I hope this addresses our latest foreign policy. In the coming days, I’m sending Condi out to the UN in New York, and also to London, Paris, and Munich, to see if everyone IS talking about pop music.

I’m glad that’s settled.

G. W. Bush
Emperor…er…President of the United States of America


You know, if I was still on CBS News, I’d say that the Republican grip on Congress is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O. Come on, admit it. It’s been boring without me, hasn’t it?

Mad as a rained-on rooster,
Dan Rather

PS – What is the frequency, anyway?



I know it doesn’t sound like much to your simple ears, but I’ve been trying to warn you the past few months of an alien invasion of Earth from the Planet Zyltron. What sounds like simple goos and gahs and mamas and dadas and tongue clucks is actually the quite complicate Zyltronian language.

The translation chip hasn’t arrived yet, otherwise I’d have talked to you directly. Damn post office. As it stands now, the invasion is nigh and we’re all in great peril. Especially me, since I’m looked at as a traitor to the cause.

Hopefully, this letter will find you before the launch sequence is activated. If not, well, I hope they kill you instead of taking you captive. You don’t want to know what goes on there.

Run for your life,

Zyltroian Unit 43JQ25817-5
“Kristin” to you


To heck with that, Sundance and I can take ‘em on. Zyltronians, do your worst.





Ha ha! What a nice tribute to one of our old standbys in the old magazine. A letter from our attorney will be arriving shortly. I would advise that you not ignore it.

Pay up, bub,

National Lampoon


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