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7:18 p.m. - January 09, 2006
A Smed Rarity - In Honor of the Candidate
I thought I’d go back and post some Smed rarities – you know, like a CD box set. Here’s one that was on the site for about five minutes, then taken down. But now circumstances have changed, so I feel OK in re-posting it.

A little background is needed – the Candidate is a friend who had a milestone birthday in 2005 (it allowed her to become President of these United States if she so desired). And I wrote this in honor of said birthday.

To the visitors from other lands – the process to elect the President starts with some caucuses in Iowa and a primary in New Hampshire where members of the same party compete against each other – then whoever emerges after the political conventions gets to square off for the big prize.

So, this was set in Iowa.

Here it is.


In honor of the Candidate’s birthday, which is today (Happy Birthday, YOU!), and since it is a special birthday (it’s why I named her the Candidate), I present a little one-act play.

The setting is a suite in a Courtyard in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, one night before the Iowa Caucuses in 2008. Smed is finish up a cell phone call, and is flipping around the news channels on the TV. The sound of a keycard accessing the door is heard.

Candidate (entering): Wow, I didn’t realize Larry King was REALLY dead.
Smed: Yeah, they’ve been using animatronics for the past five years. They couldn’t decide between that and supermarination.
C: Heeee! Your jokes have gotten a lot worse since we’ve gotten to Iowa. How did I sound, though?
S: You were on point, composed, confident. Liz thought you were great. My kids, though, wanted more cookies on every plate as the first part of your platform.
C: Everything has to be a joke, right? Seriously, how did I do?
S: You were great, seriously.
C: I just can’t believe I’ve gone through with this.
S: How’s YOUR family holding out?
C: Fine, I guess. Diva and Tomboy are really having a ball – mainly because they’re out of school.
S: I think Tomboy likes working with the secret service. I think that may be her calling. And Diva’s helping us with the upper-middle school vote.
C: Tomboy does like the dark sunglasses and the little fake earpiece they gave her.
S: How’s Future First Man doing?
C: He’s hanging in there. Nervous, of course. But I’m trying to be a rock, and I don’t really know how I’m keeping it together.
S: You’re fine.
C: So what’s the latest?
S: MSNBC had Luntz on – you’re doing well here in Iowa with the common folk. This, of course, is what you need to do. What you talk about as paramount – jobs, health care, education, a healthy environment to raise children – is really striking a chord here. Especially since you’re been there, done that and are one of them and not some empty suit eating chicken dinners all the time trying to raise money.
C: Hey, I’ve done enough of that lately. I thought when the Deaniacs came on board last year I’d avoid that.
S: Ma’am – even though you’re not a true politician, you gotta press the flesh.
C: I guess. Man, look at these vacuum cleaner lines?
S: Not straight?
C: I can teach ‘em a thing or three.
S: Hee. Hey, hold on, I got a voice mail message.
C: What else is new?
S: Latest poll data is online now….let’s see.
C: What? What?
S: AH! We’re doing well. You’re eating a bit into Hillary’s strength in women, and that’s causing her lead to really shrink. You’re kicking old man Biden’s ass. There’s a big lump around second with you, Edwards, Obama, Richardson and Bayh. This is going to be interesting.
C: What’s it look like on the other side?
S: Do you really want to know, or care?
C: Well, I’d like to scope the competition.
S: Well, it’s too early for that – but McCain’s wiping the floor with the fundies. Frist is almost at negative percentages!
C: Second? Wow!
S: Actually fifth – but three points from second. And only 10 points behind Hillary.
C: Oh….fifth. Well, what happens if I do get fifth? The kids aren’t really excited about New Hampshire in February.
S: It’s too late – you’re second in New Hampshire right now – and can only gain. They’re so iconoclastic – you being the ultimate outsider will help big time. And South Carolina loves you too. So does Missouri, obviously, and California, since you can claim you’re one of them – and Maryland. The Midwest and South are pro-Candidate!
C: Wait! Wait!
S: What?
C: Are you saying we can win this thing?
S: I’m saying you’re a contender. You don’t just give empty talk – you’ve been there, done that.
C: I hate that slogan.
S: I know, but it’s so bad it’s good. Only the old-time pols can’t see your appeal.
C: If I get second or third – I’m afraid they’ll start snooping around.
S: So?
C: I don’t want to get into one of those smear contests.
S: We won’t. We won’t ignore anything – we won’t be defensive – we’ll acknowledge and move along and claim it is a distraction and take the high ground, but what are they really going to find? That super mom left early at a soccer game once to go get medicine at the drug store? Besides, I gots me lots of dirt on some of them.
C: I don’t want to know.
S: You won’t.
C: So we can win this thing?
S: We could – or at least make it to the convention in one piece with a huge chunk of delegates.
C: How about Candidate / Bayh as the ticket?
S: Whoa! Way too early to speculate on that! Let’s concentrate on Iowa, then New Hampshire.
C: I still can’t believe I let you talk me into this.
S: Hey, you sent that email back in 2005. I just did all the background work starting then.


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