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10:15 a.m. - January 02, 2006
I Resolve That It's A New Year, People!
Oh, I know the game.

This is the time of year when essayists have to write about New Yearís Resolutions. Theyíre either writing about:

1. What they resolved last year, and how it worked out.
2. What they are resolving this year, and why.
3. Why they donít make resolutions, and make fun of people who do.

Itís a trap!

I didnít really resolve anything last year, per se, at least that you know. Well, as far as I can remember as well. Last New Yearís Eve we went to an actual party Ė it was a White Trash Bash and I had to wear a wife beater and bring beer that cost less than $10 a case. (I chose Old Style Ė 30 for $9.99 at CVS). We could walk to the party, and we did. Whitey made some bourbon slushies that Liz loved, and I dug my way through the Old Style.

We pretty much forgot any resolutions that we made.

This year, though, with a six month old, we didnít go out. No one else had a party, either. I talked to a couple of people and they were being quiet and peaceful. So Liz and I watched Sideways (whilst drinking Merlot Ė how ironic!) and kissed at midnight, then she went to sleep and I tried to put Kristin to sleep.

So if I made a resolution, Iíd be sure to remember it.

But I really didnít.

Oh sure, I could say that I resolve to lose weight. Well, over the last quarter of 2005 Iíve gotten into some bad eating habits. I forgot that bacon is the crack cocaine of food (so yummy and delicious, yet so bad for you) and that if you donít want a beer gut donít drink so much beer and do some more exercising, you fool. So I am going to lose some weight - but itís not a resolution. It just needs to be done before my next doctorís appointment when he checks my cholesterol.

(Right now, heíd say my arteries are filled with 30% crude and weíd get more energy out of my blood than in the Arctic Wildlife Reserve Ė yet another reason not to touch that pristine wilderness Ė but I digress).

I could resolve to be a better father and husband. I could say Iím going to be a combination of Ward Cleaver and Ron Jeremy, but of course Iíd have to pick the, ahem, best parts of that combination.

I could resolve to not lose so much money next year on football. My fantasy team scored the most points in the league, but lost in the first round of the playoffs, AGAIN. And had I chosen wisely on maybe three games (Green Bay on Monday Night?? Idiot! Picking against KC in Dick Vermeilís last game? Moron! Picking Houston to win anything? Doofus!) I would have made money on my football pools. Iím out fitty bucks now.

(I am accepting PayPal donations to pay my loss Ė so contact me if you want to contribute. Itís not that Kristin will be without diapers or strained carrots, but I wonít be able to buy music in January, and thatís a crisis, a tragedy. Well, it is to me. I guess I just lost humanitarian of the year, didnít I??)

But while I know I need to become a better person in some aspects and not spend money like a drunken rock star in a bordello during two for one night, I think those are things that just need to be done, and not some Ďresolutioní to make it so.

(I could also resolve to come up with better analogies and metaphors, but then that would take away from you comedic enjoyment, I think. And itís all about YOU, anyway!)

So this essay must be pointing to the last one Ė making fun of resolutions and those who resolve.

Well, not so fast, Sparky.

For some people this exercise is meaningful. To set goals, one needs to write them down. So if you write down your resolutions and keep them out where you can see them on a daily basis (or even periodically) it could greatly help.

I would not use a dry erase board, for instance. Perhaps some foolscap and a quill pen would be a better choice. Donít smear the ink!

So what is the point of this essay anyway, if youíre not falling into the trap?

Is it to expound on the fact that Katie is the current reigning champion of the Dora Candyland game here in la casa de Smed?

Is it to talk about the plans of today, where I and many of my friends gather at Sidís house to watch all of the bowl games? We mean all of them. Sid has multiple TVs, so by 1:30 or so it will be football overload down in his basement.

Is it to talk about the fact that in this new year, Iím seriously considering growing another goatee, even though Kristin is at the age where she loves to pull on faces?

Is it to give my top 10 lists of music, movies, books, or TV shows for the year?


I wrote this merely to say Happy New Year, everyone.

Didnít see that coming, did you?

So I basically wasted 877 words on all that, didnít I?

Shoot, Iím disappointed I didnít get to 1,000.


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