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12:12 p.m. - December 08, 2005
What's Spam to You Is Treet to Me
As with everyone on the planet (except my cats, since they don’t have internet access yet, though I think Butch is learning Sanskrit, while Sundance is just trying to go along to get along) I get a lot of spam email.

I, like most people, have multiple email accounts. I have one for work here at the College, which I basically use for correspondence amongst colleagues, and use it for a few select personal emails for friends and family whilst I am at work. (Ok, sometimes I stretch the definition of a few.)

I also have an SBC DSL account for home, which is where most of my email correspondence from my readers goes to.

I have yet another Yahoo account, separate from my SBC account, basically because I was a mo-ron when I set up my SBC account and didn’t say to transfer my Yahoo account over to my SBC account. So I had to add yet another SBC account in order to access my original Yahoo account at home. Idiot. Anyway, that has some group emails and some fantasy sports emails.

But they all collect spam.

My original Yahoo account gets traditional spam that’s rather boring. Right now, the trend seems for me to choose between Yahoo or Google, or to click here and get a free iPod nano or some other scam. At least it’s not asking about my supposed disfunction in the nether regions.

My SBC account spam is interesting. Sure, there’s some of the usual nonsense, but what I’m getting quite a bit of is some emails with interesting subject lines. I assume they’re spam, since they’re going in the spam folder that SBC has so graciously provided, but since November 29.

Mary Campbell wanted to tell me about “The change or glockenspiel semester” – which sounds intriguing because I always felt glockenspiels preferred to be on the quarter system.

Marzio Plumadore replied to an alleged email I sent about “omissible Medds”, while Tiffani Mcdade also replied to “tattle meddiacations”, and Deanne Rosenbalm replied to “aide Mediackcations”. You know, sometimes I do drink and type, but I can’t even imagine me in any state spelling that horrifically. But, Tiffani, if you are reading, I like the way you spell your name, and wonder what else you would like to tattle about, heh heh heh. Oh, right…

Jacquelyn Cantu’s subject was “her draw of Chunky”, and I wonder if it’s the soup or candy bar.

Dylan Boyd said in his subject line “Is can a admittance sparrow”, though I thought bluejays were more of the temperament to be bouncers in the bird world.

Ramona Smith wanted to reply to an email I sent entitled “I eat on horrific shrill”, while Savannah Lockett replied to “Not give is builder” and Randall Dyer also responded to “A think go earlier”. Well, eating on horrific shills wouldn’t turn me on, much. I think if you take, that’s more of a builder than just not giving. If you take, you amass, or build, right? And Mr. Dyer, I didn’t read, but did you agree to go earlier, or not?

Earl Lovett wanted to tell me “It spell do demarcation console”. So you have something that can spell the word where a console sets limits? Is that right? Why, you’d better patent that puppy, Earl.

Alfredo Leary said something about “Be clean an abundance landmark”, while Harley Dodd said “Or watch on trite interfere”, and Marian Bland chimed in “on do in egg.” Mr. Dodd, interfering is not trite, and I will try to see if anyone IS interfering. Alfredo, having a clean house is a landmark for our family, because it happens once in a year. And Marian, doing things in eggs may be a bit tough, unless it’s a big L’eggs egg, and even then, the back would hurt.

Jim Mims responded to “was bring he vicinity envoy” which must mean he was updating me on his diplomatic mission to bring the envoy nearby, while Robt Kiser responded to my alleged epistle “Be talk to essence grunge”. Now, the essence of grunge, I feel, is Mudhoney, not Nirvana, and I thought I made that clear, Robt. Now go find the rest of your second syllable.

At work, we have a great spam filtering program that eliminates most of the obnoxious stuff, and I tell you what we have a lot of that that comes through.

It’s easily explainable, though. We have 850 young men between 18-22 who attend College here in BFE Indiana, and sometimes they click on certain things that lead to certain things and the next thing you know spammers are a go-go sending email to any address at our site.

But our filtering program gets about 98% of that stuff and really only scoops up about 2 or 3 legit emails or list-serve emails to me a week.

We do get a lot of all-campus emails telling us about things that are happening on campus. Here’s a selection of those:

• There’s a talk coming up on Noh theatre. Green tea will be served.
• Some doofus lost his cell phone.
• A poetry reading will take place before the Acoustic Café tonight.
• shOUT will present a talk featuring an alumnus who is getting a name by being a drag queen up in Chicago and they’ll have a meet and greet later.
• There is a bio seminar, an international studies luncheon, a talk on the gypsy singers of Bengal, and an open house of student art work.
• Some doofus lost his resume portfolio.
• Someone can’t go see Miss Saigon as planned and has tickets available.
• The talk at chapel period on Thursday will be by the chairman of the Math department.
• Everyone who helped in the Cultures and Traditions classes (a required class for all sophomores) are invited to a party, but the time has changed, and the Dean of Students sends his regrets.
• You can meet and greet a candidate for the open librarian position.
• Someone posted the times for Mass to observe the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception.
• They’re playing pickup ball in the fieldhouse, and ultimate Frisbee, too.
• You can attend the MXI Kwanzaa program.
• The Green Party candidate for Indiana Secretary of State is coming to campus. Y’all come.
• A bunch of geeks, dweebs, and spazzes are going to play Magic, The Gathering on Saturday. Of course, finals start next week.
• A group on campus is reading Maps of Time, but someone can’t remember if they have an email group or not so he just emailed everyone.
• Volunteers are needed to help with the infamous Midnight Munch, where the administration feeds students at midnight during finals week.
• Today, the Bio and Chem departments (faculty and majors) will battle, winner-take-all, in a Dodgeball tournaments.

While the above is not necessarily spam, per se, it is clutter.

And amusing clutter at that, unless you are waiting for an important email and you hear the “chung-chung” (yes, my email sounder is the Law & Order sound) and instead of what you wanted you get something like the above.

I know I’m not alone in getting cluttery emails from work, but working at a College the clutter is a bit different as you can see.

So next time you are going to rant about spam, just remember, in my little corner of the world, I get emails about drag queens, Magic the Gathering tourneys and Noh theater.

And I can’t believe I missed all of those events, even WITH an email reminder. Ah, well.


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