3:46 p.m. - November 16, 2005
Sometimes I dread diaper changing time more than others. Those times are when itís time to change outfits on Kristin.
Itís not that I donít have a good eye for what she should wear, and itís not that sheís particularly fussy when it comes to changing clothes.
Itís just so flippiní hard to put a five-month old into an outfit.
She doesnít mind when you take the clothes off of her (unless youíre a bonehead and forget to look in the back for a snap or button and try to force her head through the neckhole. Oooptiy-doopity!), in fact she kind of likes that part.
Itís putting on the new clothes where the challenge is.
You have a little baby that is at the age where she is pretty much squiggling and wriggling around on the changing table, and you have to somehow contain her so you can put her arms, legs and head through the proper holes.
Inevitably, the crying starts when you try to put a shirt or PJs over her head. You feel so bad, like you blinded her, when all you did was just put something covering her eyes for a split second.
Itís even worse if she just woke up from a nap. Kristin has a tendency to have the Kim Jong-Il haircut when she first wakes up (five month olds with pompadours may look cute, but theyíre just freaky to me) and sometimes all that hair gets a bit tangled up in there as well.
That means you have a tired, cranky baby that you accidentally pulled the hair of while you try to get her head through a neckhole of a jumper, a romper (who came up with these terms, anyway?) or PJs.
And after you get her head through her neck, then you have to contain the limbs. By this time, her arms and legs are flailing about in a crazy-go-nuts fashion. So you have to be careful and try to guide one of her arms into the sleeve, then another, then one of the legs and finally the other.
All the while you are dodging each appendage, because you donít want to get accidentally kicked or punched by your five month old. How would you explain that to your friends?
But youíre not done yet. No-siree-bob.
You have to zip, button, or snap her in.
Now I can deal with zippers. Theyíre easy to deal with and donít cause a lot of consternation. In PJs, especially, they can be quite handy for entry and exit.
Anyway, I donít mind buttons, really.
What I donít like are snaps.
The people that make baby clothes arenít content with just a few snaps for security. They feel the need to have 21,412 snaps on each and every garment.
You have four to five snaps in the torso.
You have to three to four snaps in the leg.
You have snaps around the ankle.
Sometimes you have snaps around the crotch. And thatís whatís really confusing. Youíve then got snaps everywhere. Inevitably, you miss one and when you think youíre done, thereís one lonely snap post thatís barren and sitting there going, ďHah! Sucker! Think again! Try to figure out what goes where!Ē
Some times itís just insane. I remember one PJ thing for Katie that snapped everywhere, and then had three snaps on the side of the torso as well for decoration. It was a little pseudo-lapel. It had almost 20 snaps on the whole thing.
And if the garment has those dreaded crotch snaps, and the diaper gets filled with, well, diaper stuff, then inevitably those snaps will blow out. Leakage then ensues, and youíve got a lot of things to deal with besides a dirty diaper.
Soon, weíll be getting to that stage, and also to the stage where we layer her in clothes. And thereís nothing like trying to fit a babyís melon through a turtleneck sweater, and then fighting with her to get some overalls on her before she totally freaks out and starts swinging at anything that moves.
Overalls seem to be the most insidious garment. Sure, theyíre cute. But first you have to get her inside the overall, then you have to be sure that sheís position properly so you can connect the straps and have her arm in the right place. Then, of course, thereís the inevitable snapping oí the legs. It takes a steady hand and a keen eye, all of which I lack on numerous occasions.
So, as a wish as I reach an important date, I think Iíll wish for a magic spell where I can just snap my fingers and Kristinís outfit has magically changed.
Now Iíll just have to work on the Kim Jong-Il do.