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3:46 p.m. - November 16, 2005 Sometimes I dread diaper changing time more than others. Those times are when it�s time to change outfits on Kristin. It�s not that I don�t have a good eye for what she should wear, and it�s not that she�s particularly fussy when it comes to changing clothes. It�s just so flippin� hard to put a five-month old into an outfit. She doesn�t mind when you take the clothes off of her (unless you�re a bonehead and forget to look in the back for a snap or button and try to force her head through the neckhole. Oooptiy-doopity!), in fact she kind of likes that part. It�s putting on the new clothes where the challenge is. You have a little baby that is at the age where she is pretty much squiggling and wriggling around on the changing table, and you have to somehow contain her so you can put her arms, legs and head through the proper holes. Inevitably, the crying starts when you try to put a shirt or PJs over her head. You feel so bad, like you blinded her, when all you did was just put something covering her eyes for a split second. It�s even worse if she just woke up from a nap. Kristin has a tendency to have the Kim Jong-Il haircut when she first wakes up (five month olds with pompadours may look cute, but they�re just freaky to me) and sometimes all that hair gets a bit tangled up in there as well. That means you have a tired, cranky baby that you accidentally pulled the hair of while you try to get her head through a neckhole of a jumper, a romper (who came up with these terms, anyway?) or PJs. And after you get her head through her neck, then you have to contain the limbs. By this time, her arms and legs are flailing about in a crazy-go-nuts fashion. So you have to be careful and try to guide one of her arms into the sleeve, then another, then one of the legs and finally the other. All the while you are dodging each appendage, because you don�t want to get accidentally kicked or punched by your five month old. How would you explain that to your friends? But you�re not done yet. No-siree-bob. You have to zip, button, or snap her in. Now I can deal with zippers. They�re easy to deal with and don�t cause a lot of consternation. In PJs, especially, they can be quite handy for entry and exit. Anyway, I don�t mind buttons, really. What I don�t like are snaps. Why? The people that make baby clothes aren�t content with just a few snaps for security. They feel the need to have 21,412 snaps on each and every garment. You have four to five snaps in the torso. You have to three to four snaps in the leg. You have snaps around the ankle. Sometimes you have snaps around the crotch. And that�s what�s really confusing. You�ve then got snaps everywhere. Inevitably, you miss one and when you think you�re done, there�s one lonely snap post that�s barren and sitting there going, �Hah! Sucker! Think again! Try to figure out what goes where!� Some times it�s just insane. I remember one PJ thing for Katie that snapped everywhere, and then had three snaps on the side of the torso as well for decoration. It was a little pseudo-lapel. It had almost 20 snaps on the whole thing. And if the garment has those dreaded crotch snaps, and the diaper gets filled with, well, diaper stuff, then inevitably those snaps will blow out. Leakage then ensues, and you�ve got a lot of things to deal with besides a dirty diaper. Soon, we�ll be getting to that stage, and also to the stage where we layer her in clothes. And there�s nothing like trying to fit a baby�s melon through a turtleneck sweater, and then fighting with her to get some overalls on her before she totally freaks out and starts swinging at anything that moves. Overalls seem to be the most insidious garment. Sure, they�re cute. But first you have to get her inside the overall, then you have to be sure that she�s position properly so you can connect the straps and have her arm in the right place. Then, of course, there�s the inevitable snapping o� the legs. It takes a steady hand and a keen eye, all of which I lack on numerous occasions. So, as a wish as I reach an important date, I think I�ll wish for a magic spell where I can just snap my fingers and Kristin�s outfit has magically changed. Now I�ll just have to work on the Kim Jong-Il do.
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