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6:47 a.m. - August 19, 2005
The One Where I Reveal That My Mind Is Twisted And Wrong
Warning: this entry may qualify under ‘adult’ content. Or perhaps even ‘content that you don’t want to discuss at the breakfast table’. Or maybe so, you swinger…anyway…..

It takes a lot for me to feel uncomfortable.

But a TV commercial for this product certainly made me feel a bit squeamish, if not uncomfortable.

And I’m no prude, don’t get me wrong. I think it was all in the execution of said advertisement that got me feeling the same way I feel when I see Billy and Brenda together (I mean together) on Six Feet Under. Squicky, I think is the technical term.

I was watching a Law & Order rerun on NBC (do-dooo-do) and about 40 minutes into it there was a commercial. It was a man and a woman in the bedroom. The man was reading a magazine (and it was soooo fake because he was hiding his entire face. Not even my daughter reads like that) and the woman started to read the bottle out loud.

The woman read the name of the product with a little lustful glee, emphasizing the words “personal lubricant” (or so it seemed to me) and the dorky dude brought the magazine down from his face and had this little smirky, nerdy look like – “Oh, boy, this is great!!! I’m gonna get me some.”

That’s what did it. That’s when I about lost it. This guy reminded me of Butthead, all grown up and still repressed. “Hey baby, heh-heh, heh-heh….want some action??”

The rest of the commercial showed someone giving a slight massage over a female’s shoulder – then the lady read the name of the product again.

Again she seemingly emphasized “personal lubricant”. Which on the web site is only on the bottle, but here she's putting it in 28 point Times New Roman Bold.

I made a lot of assumptions here.

First I assume they’re married. Of course I assumed that, because this is a TV commercial. It’s a TV commercial by K-Y. On a network – not on cable. So Billy Joe and Bobby Sue Red State could easily see that commercial if they don’t have cable or satellite. (In fairness so could Billy Joe and Bobby Sue Blue State). And some people make a lot of noise about content on network TV because it’s ‘over the air’ and you don’t pay for it. (Change the channel, chumps, but I digress, as usual). So we have to assume that they want us to think they are married.

Second, I think they were trying to emphasize the product as a heating massage oil. But, the way the actress seemingly fawned over the words ‘personal lubricant’ gave me pause on what the intention of using said product in that exact scenario was. I wasn’t thinking a rubdown here.

Third, and this is the stretch, that there are just a few things one would need personal lubricant for, especially when one is married. Ok, three things. And if she’s in the room with her, then there are two things. (Well, I AM assuming because of the guy’s dorky expression that he’s not going to take that stuff and go to the computer to download Jenna Jamieson videos, although one I guess could play masseuse and john – but the room was, ahhh….I’m going to dig myself a hole here so I’ll stop this parenthetical nonsense) And both of those things are basically in the same area, except in one place or another. (Man, can I dance around it more and be more oblique??? Can I???) And while I know there are people who may need a bit more, help, shall we say, for a ‘normal’ relationship my mind is veering off into the other region.

(Ok, I may not be the most creative guy in the world either – I just never had a reason to use products like this much – call it lucky or sad. Call it something. Heck many of you now are calling a cab out of this essay – but I will soldier on. It’s too late to turn back now…)

Especially the way the guy acted. It was like he was 13 or something and about to see a real live naked woman for the first time. (Well, you never know…) But again, I was assuming they are married. And this being TV-land, they were thin and attractive people.

So in my little mind (at 10:40 at night), because of the emphasis of the words, because of the dorkiness of the dude, I was thinking this was a commercial that was subtly advertising a way for married people to…explore a different part of the world…in the bedroom.

(Man, I’m trying so hard not to say what I’m trying to say, explicitly. So, I’ve probably confused you all.)

Did Rick Santorum see this commercial? Ann Coulter? James Dobson? I wonder what they’d have to say about it? (Or maybe they buy the stuff by the case – well Coulter would have to secretly since she’s unmarried and wouldn’t want that rep, now…would she??)

I think I would have been much better about this is they either just dropped the words “personal lubricant”, showed more of a massage being given, or got rid of the dorky guy with his dorky expressions. Then I wouldn’t have veered up the down staircase, as it were, and would have thought it was just another stupid commercial. (Actually, since it was K-Y, I probably would have but it would have been a ‘you know what else you could use this for heh-heh-heh type of thing instead of a ‘oh my god they’re advertising that’ kind of thing.)

(And no I have nothing against anything like that at all!)

Or maybe they should have just been out about it, perhaps used “Dirty Mind” by Prince as the music. (Or maybe even “Mickey” by Toni Basil. Go Google the words, you. See what I mean. Heeee!)

In thinking more about this, the words “personal lubricant” probably made me lose it. I think anyone over the age of 9 knows what the heck K-Y is for – it ain’t to put on your French toast. (Well, at least not where I come from). It just sounds funny and clinical when you say it. A lot of things sound dorky when you have to say things clinically instead of the normal vernacular. (Face it, you just say K-Y. It’s implied!)

So I’m not opposed to the product at all – not opposed to any uses of said product – go ahead and put it on your salad for all I care. I maybe was a little squeamish and embarrassed because of the way the product was portrayed in this ad - the acting and execution of the ad. It was just soooo wrong. It was about as bad as or worse than the famous ‘cucumber porn’ ad made by the Apprentices last season. I think I was just made uncomfortable by the total presentation of the whole thing.

Or maybe I’m 12 again…and my mind is going off into the gutter…weeeeeee!


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