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6:49 p.m. - May 18, 2005
Damn, I Wish I Was Deconstructed
The Candidate and I were swapping songs around one day on email, and she came up with “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” as a response to “Obsession” by Animotion. So I went out and bought the song on iTunes, and I must have been living under a rock or something when it came out, because I forgot how hot and sultry of a song this was. And to be sure, this was one that was on Liz’s latest mix CD.

I don’t really remember anything else she did, but Sophie B. Hawkins really hit the mark on this one. The whole vibe of the song is just great. But I got to thinking (which is dangerous), what if you really, truly, broke down this song. A deconstruction, of sorts.

Shall we give it a try? Let’s see where this goes. You can Google the words to follow along.

Note: this song is copyrighted by Sophie B. Hawkins. Please tell her that I admire her work and hope, if I run into her, that I can buy her a drink and say thank you, thank you, for writing this song.

The first verse claims that his current lover has him chained up, but gives him everything he needs. So why would said gentleman want to stray? Does Sophie have insight that there’s something amiss, in his current living arrangement, and his current lover has antipathy towards him that only she can sense and thus wants to come to his rescue?

Well, then the answer is in the chorus. In the first few lines, she’s pining for him, and also is estimating the length and breadth of the first evening that they are together. Then, after a boast, she wants to be his mother? Ick. Perhaps another allusion would have done better to keep the seduction vibe going. Yes, mothers ease pain, but mothers also tend at times to make you feel ashamed, and Sophie says to free your mind and you won’t feel that way. So, perhaps mother isn’t right. How about hot nurse! (Yeah that’s it)

Then she’s a primate. Well, I don’t know if Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp, really had feelings of the human sort, but we’ll go with it. Then she invites the gentleman inside her jungle book for something sweet – which would be a nice invitation for sure. But it’s hard to cram yourself into even a weighty tome, except maybe the slipcase of the complete works of Proust. Later in that second verse, she doesn’t want him to stay, because then he’ll just go away.

What? So if he stays, he’ll go. But what if he doesn’t stay? Then he’d go. This is a no win situation for this gentleman. Perhaps he should think twice about Ms. Hawkins’ offer, tempting as it may be. I can see a boiling pot of rabbit in the future, otherwise.

Then the chorus comes back around, and she still wants to be the mother. Well, as long as it’s not literal, I guess so, Sophie.

Then there’s a little mini chorus about him being the only shoes that fit. Obviously, Sophie doesn’t dote on footwear too much. I’m a guy, and I have at least five pair of shoes that I can wear to a few places. But she’s right about growing out of it, adults don’t change shoe sizes.

The next verse reveals that Sophie is indeed quite cool. The Rolling Stones are generally not a chick band (though Liz loves “Live With Me” of Let It Bleed, bless her heart) and that’s bonus points for wanting to groove with them. Perhaps it would have to be certain songs, say “Jumping Jack Flash” or “Start Me Up”, or “Monkey Man” (that has a fine, fine groove). Definitely not “She’s So Cold”.

Then she wants an hour just for kissing. Plausible, yes, but I think you’d get cramps without a proper warmup. Then she’s talking about walking through heaven’s door. Well, Sophie, it’s like this…you and the gentleman would have to see a priest and say a few select words, because you are talking about doing something that most organized religions would frown upon. However, if your higher deity is ok with some hot monkey lovin’, then go for it.

Now the next line must be some sort of dream sequence. First she’s on a mountain, and then she shifts to the ocean with clear visions. But she’s with ‘her’, and not ‘him’. Is she with ‘that old dog’ referenced early in the first verse? If so, I want the rights to the video. (That’s a typical male response, I guess. Well, if that’s the only shoe that fits…) Then after a hike in solitude, she comes back to him as…and S&M slave? Well, Sophie, I never…

Then the chorus again and she’s insisting on the mother imagery. I’m still voting for the hot nurse. Now Liz’s best friend Snow White is a nurse, but I don’t think she even has dress whites anymore. Which is sad, because that’s what nurse dreams are made of, ya know? Anyway….

Then there’s more discussion about a lack of replacement footwear, then the end of the song comes along where I think she’s vamping or something like that. She’s going to come over, and make him cry? Lady, when I’m loving someone, I don’t want to cry! Then she’s on a subway, then on a street corner waiting for her love to change. Sophie, we all wish it was as easy as getting a “walk” signal, but it ain’t, trust me.

Then she feels like a school boy, which is drags this into “Law and Order: SVU” territory. Hey, is that Ice-T and Richard Belzer? I just don’t want Chris Meloni going all un-Stabler on me. Then she’s going to ride a camel uptown, which would cause all kinds of havoc with traffic and then the song fades. Think about a camel in mid-town Manhattan, especially during rush hour!

So what is this song about? (Heeee! Can I guess Mr. Wizard???)

Basically, gentlemen, Sophie B. wants YOU! Or at least she did in 1992. Ladies, Sophie B. wants HIM! (Well, unless that whole thing with her by the ocean worked out, then she could want YOU!) But to those of you in committed relationships, please be sure that if you start singing this song for whatever reason, you need to direct it towards your partner. And then you may have to answer to this: “Wait! I thought I already was???” So be prepared for a response.

I went to her official web site, and she’s got a new record coming out soon. Copy and paste the link, it’s the least I can do after this shambling mess of a deconstruction.


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