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11:30 a.m. - February 16, 2007
A Report From Agent Butch...
Quarterly Report
To: Head Of The Earth Infiltration Operation – Planet Felinius
From: Agent CDXUSA11189531 – Code Name BUTCH


Greetings From Indiana, USA, Earth, my comrades.

In this report, I wish to comment on the actions of the two smaller humans in the house that I am observing. I do realize that the success of our eventual overthrow of all of the Earth governments and a new home for Felinius inhabitants depends on careful observations.

Once again, I give my condolences to my comrades in the infiltration operation that have found themselves in difficult circumstances, especially those captured and held in feline prison camps usually guarded by a deranged female.

This report was compiled with help from Agent CDXUSA11189544 – Code Name SUNDANCE.

There are two smaller subjects in this domicile that I wish to report on. The larger one, named KATIE seems to be about five Earth years old, while the smaller one, named KRISTIN, is approximately 20 months old.

Let me address each of the younger subjects individually:

KATIE – This is the subject that is currently the most dangerous individual to our mission.

This subject is on the go each minute she is awake. She is running, dancing, and moving around the house at all times. She always tried to pick up the agents in the house, especially Code Name SUNDANCE since he is the more docile of the two agents.

This subject asks many questions of the two older units in the house. She wonders “why” and “what” and if she can have more sweet food substance.

Her eating habits are odd, even for this species. At times she wants nothing more than this substance called macaroni and cheese, but then after a week she no longer wants it. She loves broccoli, unless it’s steamed, then she will not eat it. She loves pizza, but picks off the pepperoni, and then half of the time eats it anyway. She claims not to like lasagna, but then will dive right into it.

The most peculiar habit is that she wants the crust picked off of a substance called ‘garlic bread’, and then will eat the crust first before eating the interior.

KATIE also enjoys a thing they call ‘television’ which keeps her occupied when she is not bouncing off of the walls. There is this network called “NOGGIN” which broadcasts all kinds of shows geared for her kind. She is particularly enamored by shows like “Little Bear”, “The Backyardigans”, and “Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!”

This person disappears for a while wearing tights and something called a leotard and carrying special shoes which attachments on the bottom that make noise when her feet strike a floor. In the season called “fall”, she also left the house to play a game called ‘soccer’, and when she returned she always had a treat and a juice box and talked about kicking the ball toward a thing called a ‘goal’, though she never was successful at that yet.

This subject is also very dangerous because of the knowledge she is ascertaining. She reads these items calls BOOKS, and has memorized several of her favorite stories. She has her own subscription to Ladybug magazine, and always wants at least one or two books, at least, before she retires for the evening.

Also, at some point, during the time that she was cleaning herself, she immersed the SUNDANCE agent into the water. That almost caused SUNDANCE to short out, and it took a few hours of intensive treatment to get him back functioning. Thank you, my superiors, for the devices filled with what’s known as ‘catnip’.

KATIE does have her weaknesses. Because she is headstrong, and independent, she sometimes gets into squabbles with the older units in the house, which causes a loss of certain rights for that day. Sometimes she only gets one book, or sometimes there is no TV. She talks back and sometimes sasses her older units.

She also has squabbles with the younger unit, KRISTIN. This is mostly arguments about possessions, and who had which item of recreation first, or who owned it first. The younger unit is starting to gain her own defense mechanisms, which I will illustrate later in the report.

This is how we can perhaps get to this unit. She may be malleable if we can somehow create a television program on NOGGIN that will allow for subliminal messages that are beneficial to our cause. Plus, if we can get a book in the household that is pro-Felinus then that would be a start.

Also, we can assign the SUNDANCE unit to infiltrate her room when she has been put into time out or in trouble and that way strike an alliance with her for our ends.

KRISTIN – The younger members of this species grow at an alarming rate, and this subject is no different.

In these past few months, KRISTIN is now running all over the place, normally carrying either a stuffed creature or a plastic cup with a lid that is filled with ‘milk’ – a drink that allows the younger members of this species to grow and prosper.

This one is also most harmful to our mission, as she is now at the stage where she no longer merely strokes our outer layer and our end-gripper device, she yanks and pulls on what she calls ‘fur’ and ‘tail’.

KRISTIN is also becoming quite verbal. She is now talking in very recognizable words and phrases, and can string some together like ‘kitty meow’ or ‘me sit cheerio bowl’. She has times where she just babbles in some strange language, much like the natives of the planet ZARKON X but I doubt if they have any contact with the unit called KRISTIN. I am on the alert, in case any ZARKONIANS come to this house disguised as mailmen or UPS drivers.

At mealtimes, KRISTIN is most dangerous. She repeatedly throws food onto the floor, impeding our progress. It is our duty to stop and check out each piece of food, whether by smell, or in the case of SUNDANCE, taste. She can throw her cup of ‘milk’ across the table, and at times has been known to strike the older members of the family unit with pieces of bread or the cup.

It seems the favorite activity of the KRISTIN unit is when she is cleaned, in a ritual known as bath time. Here, she splashes water all around, plays with plastic objects, and is generally exuberant. Once in a while bath time is truncated due to incidents of substances being expunged from her body into the tub, which causes great discord amongst the rest of the family members.

I do not think KRISTIN will be useful for our cause for quite some time, as she has not quite fully developed and is very dependent on the older units for food, drink and affection.

I recommend that BUTCH and SUNDANCE remain in place for several more years, as we can pick up valuable information around the house. There are plenty of serendipitous opportunities for information gathering, since we look like we’re lying in the sun on the furniture, but in fact are monitoring every move and breath they make.

Praise be to all noble residents of Felinius.

In service,


CDXUSA11189531

 

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