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9:52 a.m. - October 26, 2006 Oh, and if these essays ever get published in a book (oh, please!) then I'm sure the rights to use the lyrics will be retained, this preface will be moot, and my editor will remove these two paragraphs. Or not. +++++++++++++ Where have all my friends gone Yes, I'm in a funk today. It started yesterday after dinner, when I got this feeling of loneliness while I was driving to a meeting. It was loneliness and ennui, wrapped into a feeling that I am on Smed-overdrive and may have bugged a couple of people too much. I wanted to listen to the World Series on my drive but the game was rained out. I had forgotten my iPod and I didn't have any of the mixes that I made for people, so there wasn't much music choice in the car, either. And now I wake up late this morning, find the same cold, bleary rain that plagued St. Louis yesterday and I just felt low. Stood by unbelieving The thing was that yesterday was a great day. I got some work done (kick ass), went home and saw they were trimming our trees (finally), and had a good therapy session where everything was going sunshine, blue skies and roses. Well, as much as it can be. I think my marriage and relationship with Liz are recovering and I was really happy with that. When I got home, and I saw Liz and the girls I was grinning from ear to ear. I took some time to decompress after therapy. But then, the downs happened. But you brought me through Blue, why don't you stay behind, so After I got home from my drive last night, Liz noticed that I was in a funk, and did her best to make me feel good. I know she's got a lot on her mind, especially with our upcoming trip to Kansas and Oklahoma, and I need to be strong and be her rock during that time. Yet, when I'm down I feel like I can't be the rock and that makes it worse. So she went to bed and I watched part of this World War I documentary that I'm TiVoing on the Military Channel. The parts are out of order, but I know the basic plot. I cheered up a bit (not by seeing scenes of violence and mayhem and starving Germans and Austrians and a ripped up French countryside) because I thought I could put together a very good essay on the importance of history and marveling at the actual film footage from World War I that was in this documentary. Then I went online and a couple of friends were there and cheered me up, and then I went to sleep, late but a bit happier. Live by an old woman This morning, I had some odd, uncharacterizable dreams (as in, I don't know what I was really dreaming, and I can't put them into words) and when I looked at the clock it was past 7:30. Liz had decided not to write and the sky was black enough that it wasn't really morning. The Smed family was going to be running late. I logged on the computer, went downstairs, read the newspapers, drank my coffee and took my pills, and then went back up to shower up. In the shower, I had a wave of sadness hit again. Something was wrong in the Smediverse. I am not clinical at all. I'm taking Zoloft for my OCD, and it�s really evened me out. But once in a while, like everyone, I get a bit sad and blue. And this was that day. There was something rotten in my fabric. I stood in the shower, sighing, wondering why I am sad. The weather isn�t helping � it's a chilly rain that will last all day. The sky is gray and bleak. But you brought me through Why should I be sad? I have the best wife and the best daughters and the best friends a guy could ask for. My friends are a unique collection of intelligent smart-asses that compliment and supplement me. My work is going well and I'm doing well at it. So why am I sad? Is there something going on that is disturbing my universe? Stand by, stand by, waiting round Was I in Smed overdrive without knowing it? Was I TOO happy and manic over the past few days? Maybe I need to re-evaluate who I am and what I do? Yes, when I get into these moods, I tend to over think things. Big time. Blow up little things into big problems. Obsess about what I say to others and to myself. So I kick myself in the shins, repeatedly. That�s not good for the psyche really. Blue, why don't you stay behind So I get to work, a bit late. It's raining and I'm a bit wet. But I got a nice message from a friend, a nice call from Liz, and then, the worm-hole in the Smediverse revealed itself. It was something that could have been taken care of yesterday, had a certain JANKY company been on it. But of course, with millions of users, they can't even let a simple message go through. So she thought I was ignoring her message and I thought she was being aloof, when in fact that it was a message that never got to me. And when she asked why I hadn't responded, I told her that I didn't get a message. So she resent it, and within a half hour, everything is on its way to being fixed, I think. At least it's a good step. Hopefully, my mood will now brighten. I want to not think of the work being done at our house, and how I have slacked in my duties as kitchen helper (I just wasn't in the mood to do dishes, you know) and how I really want to make out with my wife at this exact second and think happy thoughts. Well, making out with Liz is a happy thought. But I want to think happy thoughts that won't drive me nutty in anticipation. It's funny, because even writing this has helped me a bit. Now, I'm still not all sunshine and roses, but the clouds are lifting. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about the weather.
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