10:14 a.m. - June 19, 2006
I was thinking of writing today on how what we do, here, in this space is by nature itinerant. There are four people who I consider friends who within the past month have changed their writing venues, locked up in super secret style, or stopped all together.
I know where they went to, and I know how to contact them, and they promised (cross their heart and hope to plotz) that they will continue to read me. So, I pray that they do.
But then this weekend happened, and sometimes reality hits you over the head with an anvil. And not an ACME brand anvil either from the Wile E. Coyote collection.
So this is Smed, baring his soul. Please, donít hand me a towel.
I have written a lot in here about my family. I love them to death, and I think thatís obvious. Liz IS my rock and I would do anything for Katie and Kristin.
However, Iíve been very selfish lately, in a weird place, and right when I needed to be more of a rock due to Lizís mom.
And that all came to a head on Saturday.
Iíve said in this space that I have OCD, and for the most part Iíve been laughing it off, like, ďYeah, hah hah, Iíve got this thing because lookÖlook at all the wacky crap I do.Ē
But I have now realized that itís serious, and when the chips were down and the stress was high, it caused me to make bad choices.
I love writing on this site Ė it really helps me out. Iím a better writer, and I can express my thoughts, and Iím grateful for all of my readers.
I love reading everyone elseís work Ė because it gives me insight into others lives. Insight like I am not alone, I am not an oddball, even though we are all different.
I love the internet, surfing around and finding new things everywhere.
I also love music Ė making mix CDs for people and hearing their joy when they get them, and share them with their spouses and loved ones.
But, the internet is also a succubus, taking time away from my family, my wife, my home life.
And that has led to some issues. So it had to stop, or it would be stopped for me.
I used to come home and jump right back on the computer. I used to stay up way to late ON the computer. On my MySpace page I joked about keyboard face, but thatís was gallows humor, I believe.
I was staying up way too late Ė too tired for everyone. Then Iíd get a second wind and be up way too late again. I was hermiting myself from everyone around. I WAS becoming the sullen teen lost in his own world.
I always had to check email Ė to make sure I know when every last person commented or sent me a note or a message.
And I really didnít notice it Ė because I was selfish and trapped in my own world.
So out came the anvil Ė the sledgehammer, and even a pickaxe.
And after some SERIOUS self- assessment, which is always good to do on Fatherís Day, Iím changing a lot of things.
My home computer time is going to be quite limited. Iím going to bed at a decent hour. Eleven oíclock is my absolute latest time on the computer, and most days it will be ten.
Iím no longer going to hide with the iPod when people are afoot.
One thing about email is that you can always check the messages when you sign on the computer. Theyíll BE there! No one will freak if you take 12 hours to reply. (I will be giving up my title of fastest email replier in the Western Hemisphere, but heyÖ)
After I make three reciprocal mixes, Iím going to take some time off on mixes to re-energize myself and only make them when the mood strikes and not because I feel I have to. I was obsessed with being the music mix fairy and thatís not good. Itís better when the music just flows out, and not becomes a be all and end all.
Iím going to go home for lunch once a week.
Weíre going to have breakfast as a family, as much as we can. Yeah, that means we ALL have to get up, but itís good for the soul.
Iím going to make sure I let Liz and the girls how much I love them. Not just tell them, but show them.
Iím going to pray for strength and peace for myself and for our family.
Iím going to be good to myself, and love myself.
But most of all I am going to make the right, healthy choices that we all need to make.
Sometimes being hit with an anvil can be a positive thing. Yes, the recovery time is steep and long, but hopefully I will come out of this good as new.
I think I have to. Because in a few weeks or months, weíre going to get a call no one wants to hear, and Iím going to have to be strong and be the real rock. And I canít be weak.