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7:18 p.m. - January 09, 2006
A Smed Rarity - In Honor of the Candidate
I thought I�d go back and post some Smed rarities � you know, like a CD box set. Here�s one that was on the site for about five minutes, then taken down. But now circumstances have changed, so I feel OK in re-posting it. A little background is needed � the Candidate is a friend who had a milestone birthday in 2005 (it allowed her to become President of these United States if she so desired). And I wrote this in honor of said birthday. To the visitors from other lands � the process to elect the President starts with some caucuses in Iowa and a primary in New Hampshire where members of the same party compete against each other � then whoever emerges after the political conventions gets to square off for the big prize. So, this was set in Iowa. Here it is. +++++++++++++++++ In honor of the Candidate�s birthday, which is today (Happy Birthday, YOU!), and since it is a special birthday (it�s why I named her the Candidate), I present a little one-act play.
The setting is a suite in a Courtyard in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, one night before the Iowa Caucuses in 2008. Smed is finish up a cell phone call, and is flipping around the news channels on the TV. The sound of a keycard accessing the door is heard. Candidate (entering): Wow, I didn�t realize Larry King was REALLY dead. Smed: Yeah, they�ve been using animatronics for the past five years. They couldn�t decide between that and supermarination. C: Heeee! Your jokes have gotten a lot worse since we�ve gotten to Iowa. How did I sound, though? S: You were on point, composed, confident. Liz thought you were great. My kids, though, wanted more cookies on every plate as the first part of your platform. C: Everything has to be a joke, right? Seriously, how did I do? S: You were great, seriously. C: I just can�t believe I�ve gone through with this. S: How�s YOUR family holding out? C: Fine, I guess. Diva and Tomboy are really having a ball � mainly because they�re out of school. S: I think Tomboy likes working with the secret service. I think that may be her calling. And Diva�s helping us with the upper-middle school vote. C: Tomboy does like the dark sunglasses and the little fake earpiece they gave her. S: How�s Future First Man doing? C: He�s hanging in there. Nervous, of course. But I�m trying to be a rock, and I don�t really know how I�m keeping it together. S: You�re fine. C: So what�s the latest? S: MSNBC had Luntz on � you�re doing well here in Iowa with the common folk. This, of course, is what you need to do. What you talk about as paramount � jobs, health care, education, a healthy environment to raise children � is really striking a chord here. Especially since you�re been there, done that and are one of them and not some empty suit eating chicken dinners all the time trying to raise money. C: Hey, I�ve done enough of that lately. I thought when the Deaniacs came on board last year I�d avoid that. S: Ma�am � even though you�re not a true politician, you gotta press the flesh. C: I guess. Man, look at these vacuum cleaner lines? S: Not straight? C: I can teach �em a thing or three. S: Hee. Hey, hold on, I got a voice mail message. C: What else is new? S: Latest poll data is online now�.let�s see. C: What? What? S: AH! We�re doing well. You�re eating a bit into Hillary�s strength in women, and that�s causing her lead to really shrink. You�re kicking old man Biden�s ass. There�s a big lump around second with you, Edwards, Obama, Richardson and Bayh. This is going to be interesting. C: What�s it look like on the other side? S: Do you really want to know, or care? C: Well, I�d like to scope the competition. S: Well, it�s too early for that � but McCain�s wiping the floor with the fundies. Frist is almost at negative percentages! C: Second? Wow! S: Actually fifth � but three points from second. And only 10 points behind Hillary. C: Oh�.fifth. Well, what happens if I do get fifth? The kids aren�t really excited about New Hampshire in February. S: It�s too late � you�re second in New Hampshire right now � and can only gain. They�re so iconoclastic � you being the ultimate outsider will help big time. And South Carolina loves you too. So does Missouri, obviously, and California, since you can claim you�re one of them � and Maryland. The Midwest and South are pro-Candidate! C: Wait! Wait! S: What? C: Are you saying we can win this thing? S: I�m saying you�re a contender. You don�t just give empty talk � you�ve been there, done that. C: I hate that slogan. S: I know, but it�s so bad it�s good. Only the old-time pols can�t see your appeal. C: If I get second or third � I�m afraid they�ll start snooping around. S: So? C: I don�t want to get into one of those smear contests. S: We won�t. We won�t ignore anything � we won�t be defensive � we�ll acknowledge and move along and claim it is a distraction and take the high ground, but what are they really going to find? That super mom left early at a soccer game once to go get medicine at the drug store? Besides, I gots me lots of dirt on some of them. C: I don�t want to know. S: You won�t. C: So we can win this thing? S: We could � or at least make it to the convention in one piece with a huge chunk of delegates. C: How about Candidate / Bayh as the ticket? S: Whoa! Way too early to speculate on that! Let�s concentrate on Iowa, then New Hampshire. C: I still can�t believe I let you talk me into this. S: Hey, you sent that email back in 2005. I just did all the background work starting then.
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