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7:18 p.m. - January 09, 2006
A Smed Rarity - In Honor of the Candidate
I thought I’d go back and post some Smed rarities – you know, like a CD box set. Here’s one that was on the site for about five minutes, then taken down. But now circumstances have changed, so I feel OK in re-posting it.

A little background is needed – the Candidate is a friend who had a milestone birthday in 2005 (it allowed her to become President of these United States if she so desired). And I wrote this in honor of said birthday.

To the visitors from other lands – the process to elect the President starts with some caucuses in Iowa and a primary in New Hampshire where members of the same party compete against each other – then whoever emerges after the political conventions gets to square off for the big prize.

So, this was set in Iowa.

Here it is.

+++++++++++++++++


In honor of the Candidate’s birthday, which is today (Happy Birthday, YOU!), and since it is a special birthday (it’s why I named her the Candidate), I present a little one-act play.

The setting is a suite in a Courtyard in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, one night before the Iowa Caucuses in 2008. Smed is finish up a cell phone call, and is flipping around the news channels on the TV. The sound of a keycard accessing the door is heard.

Candidate (entering): Wow, I didn’t realize Larry King was REALLY dead.
Smed: Yeah, they’ve been using animatronics for the past five years. They couldn’t decide between that and supermarination.
C: Heeee! Your jokes have gotten a lot worse since we’ve gotten to Iowa. How did I sound, though?
S: You were on point, composed, confident. Liz thought you were great. My kids, though, wanted more cookies on every plate as the first part of your platform.
C: Everything has to be a joke, right? Seriously, how did I do?
S: You were great, seriously.
C: I just can’t believe I’ve gone through with this.
S: How’s YOUR family holding out?
C: Fine, I guess. Diva and Tomboy are really having a ball – mainly because they’re out of school.
S: I think Tomboy likes working with the secret service. I think that may be her calling. And Diva’s helping us with the upper-middle school vote.
C: Tomboy does like the dark sunglasses and the little fake earpiece they gave her.
S: How’s Future First Man doing?
C: He’s hanging in there. Nervous, of course. But I’m trying to be a rock, and I don’t really know how I’m keeping it together.
S: You’re fine.
C: So what’s the latest?
S: MSNBC had Luntz on – you’re doing well here in Iowa with the common folk. This, of course, is what you need to do. What you talk about as paramount – jobs, health care, education, a healthy environment to raise children – is really striking a chord here. Especially since you’re been there, done that and are one of them and not some empty suit eating chicken dinners all the time trying to raise money.
C: Hey, I’ve done enough of that lately. I thought when the Deaniacs came on board last year I’d avoid that.
S: Ma’am – even though you’re not a true politician, you gotta press the flesh.
C: I guess. Man, look at these vacuum cleaner lines?
S: Not straight?
C: I can teach ‘em a thing or three.
S: Hee. Hey, hold on, I got a voice mail message.
C: What else is new?
S: Latest poll data is online now….let’s see.
C: What? What?
S: AH! We’re doing well. You’re eating a bit into Hillary’s strength in women, and that’s causing her lead to really shrink. You’re kicking old man Biden’s ass. There’s a big lump around second with you, Edwards, Obama, Richardson and Bayh. This is going to be interesting.
C: What’s it look like on the other side?
S: Do you really want to know, or care?
C: Well, I’d like to scope the competition.
S: Well, it’s too early for that – but McCain’s wiping the floor with the fundies. Frist is almost at negative percentages!
C: Second? Wow!
S: Actually fifth – but three points from second. And only 10 points behind Hillary.
C: Oh….fifth. Well, what happens if I do get fifth? The kids aren’t really excited about New Hampshire in February.
S: It’s too late – you’re second in New Hampshire right now – and can only gain. They’re so iconoclastic – you being the ultimate outsider will help big time. And South Carolina loves you too. So does Missouri, obviously, and California, since you can claim you’re one of them – and Maryland. The Midwest and South are pro-Candidate!
C: Wait! Wait!
S: What?
C: Are you saying we can win this thing?
S: I’m saying you’re a contender. You don’t just give empty talk – you’ve been there, done that.
C: I hate that slogan.
S: I know, but it’s so bad it’s good. Only the old-time pols can’t see your appeal.
C: If I get second or third – I’m afraid they’ll start snooping around.
S: So?
C: I don’t want to get into one of those smear contests.
S: We won’t. We won’t ignore anything – we won’t be defensive – we’ll acknowledge and move along and claim it is a distraction and take the high ground, but what are they really going to find? That super mom left early at a soccer game once to go get medicine at the drug store? Besides, I gots me lots of dirt on some of them.
C: I don’t want to know.
S: You won’t.
C: So we can win this thing?
S: We could – or at least make it to the convention in one piece with a huge chunk of delegates.
C: How about Candidate / Bayh as the ticket?
S: Whoa! Way too early to speculate on that! Let’s concentrate on Iowa, then New Hampshire.
C: I still can’t believe I let you talk me into this.
S: Hey, you sent that email back in 2005. I just did all the background work starting then.

 

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