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1:30 p.m. - December 03, 2005
Open Letters to People Who May Not Give a Rat's Patoot
Swiping a bit shamelessly from McSweeney’s Intenet Tendency:

Open letters to people or things that probably don’t give a patoot:


Dear Lebanon High School Girl’s Basketball PA Announcer,

Now, while the Tigers have a team that is quite good, there is no need to announce them like they are the Michael Jordan-era Chicago Bulls. In fact, because you are overmodulating into the mic many of your vocal gyrations sound like gibberish. There’s a big difference between enthusiasm and buffoonery, and you are all the way in buffoon-ville, population, you.

Sincerely,

Smed
PA announcer and decaffeinated person.

++++++++++


Dear Apple,

I just love my iPod. I know it’s a relic now, since it’s a third generation 40MB, however, I do ask one thing.

When I send it in for service, AGAIN, can you make it so that the files don’t get all cattywhompus if someone looks at it funny? Sometimes I think a gnat can land on it and the hard drive will be damaged.

It’s a small thing to ask. Thanks.


Sincerely,

Smed
Forced to be old school with the tunes for 10 days.

++++++++++


Dear Judd from Survivor,

If you lie about not telling lies, man, the entire country is going to think you’re a big dope. So take it like a man, man, and don’t go around calling people scumbags.

Because everyone else will respond, “I know you are, but what am I, man?”

Oh, and can you hail me a cab, man, Mr. Doorman?

Man,

Smed
Rooting for Danni or Rafe

PS – Howlie the monkey sends his regards.

++++++++++


Dear Jim (from Martha Stewart’s Apprentice),

OK, you win. If we convince Martha to give you the prize, right now, will you get off of our TV?

Consider it please before the 48 people around the country who watches the show beats you to a bloody pulp with a tire iron.

Thanks,

Smed

PS – Alexis sends her regards.

++++++++++


Dear Alla (from the Apprentice),

You misread the script, it was a stripper with a heart of GOLD, not ICE.

But I know you are used to Soviet Russia, where train runs you on time.

Waiting for my lap dance,

Smed

++++++++++



Dear NBC,

For once, can we have an episode of Law & Order Special Victims Unit where some member of the squad doesn’t Take! It! Personally!

I mean, can we just watch a show where they go about and solve the heinous crime, convict the guy, and be done with it?

Thanks,

Smed

PS – Ice-T needs more bling, yo!
PPS – Can you unlock Munch from the closet and let him be on the show again?

++++++++++


Dear DirecTV,

I know my TiVo box hasn’t made a daily call in 38 days, but you know, it would be nice if the something would ANSWER THE PHONE when it tries to make the call.

The number programmed into the machine isn’t working, and the number used to call in to change the phone number if need be is not working.

Bamboozled by the ineffective use of technology,

Smed

++++++++++


Dear Diaryland,

I’ve really enjoyed your site, as it’s a great place to write my essays. I’ve met a lot of neat people on here, and have attracted a lot of readers.

In saying that, is there anyway to expand the numbers of buddies from 75 to 125 or so? I have 80 people who have me as a favorite and I cannot reciprocate, and I have a few favorite reads that I fear I may have to remove from my list, or open a second account just to create a new buddy list.

It can’t be that hard, can it?

Curious,

Smed

PS – The paid banners don’t bother me, I just want more buddies.

++++++++++



Dear Kristin,

I love it when you fall asleep on my shoulder late at night. However, is it too much to ask that when I try to move you from my shoulder to the crib that you stay asleep?

I didn’t even stay up until two during the week when I was single and out on the prowl.


Love,

Daddy

++++++++++



Dear Katie,

I know you don’t have to nap, per se, during ‘nap time’, but my idea of playing quietly is different than yours.

It sounds like you are hosting Slayer in concert with their new piece “Music for thrash metal band with concrete saw and jackhammer.”

The house was built in 1872 and I would think that an almost 4-year old couldn’t destroy it.


Love,

Dad

++++++++++



Dear Liz,

I know you have a sinus infection and the doctor gave you cough syrup with codeine.

Don’t throw it away, like you threw away the Vicodins you got about five years ago.

I might need to run to the shelter of daddy’s little helper.


Love,

Smed

PS – Just kidding! Honestly!

 

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